#I’m having an existential crisis over this I can’t believe it’s her

[genderfreakxx]

I landed in Portland today and immediately got lost and I just kinda??? happened upon Joan

Hi Gerard

[wisteria-lodge]

JK Rowling & the Color Pink

So I'm working on a thing about queer coding in the Harry Potter books... and first I needed to do a sidebar on how the color pink is used. I’ve made a list of every time a character either wears pink, or is heavily associated with a pink object. We actually get some pretty clear categories that are unintentionally very revealing, and say a lot about how JKR sees "girly" femininity.

Let’s start off with the obvious: 

PINK = VILLAIN (FEMME) 

Petunia Dursley: “salmon-pink cocktail dress," "neat salmon-colored coat." Also paints her walls "a sickly peach color."

Gilderoy Lockhart: “lurid pink robes to match the decorations” 

Pansy Parkinson: “very frilly robes of pale pink” 

Rita Skeeter: “long nails were painted shocking pink” 

Aunt Muriel: “feathery pink hat gave her the look of a bad-tempered flamingo.” 

(Aunt Muriel only shows up briefly at Bill and Fleur’s wedding, but then proceeds to insult pretty much every other character, and give Harry an existential crisis by spilling the tea on Dumbledore)

Dolores Umbridge: “a horrible pink Alice band that matched the fluffy pink cardigan.” 

(Also: has pink stationary, and her pamphlet MUDBLOODS and the Dangers They Pose to a Peaceful Pure-Blood Society has a pink cover) 

Cho Chang

(Okay. Not a villain per se, BUT. Cho is the reason the mole gets into the DA in the books (and just is the mole in the films.) And given that she is a sort of Umbridge-aligned sub villain in book 5, at least structurally... it IS interesting that the place she brings Harry for a date has this very pink, Umbridge-coded description. 

It was a cramped, steamy little place where everything seemed to have been decorated with frills or bows. Harry was reminded unpleasantly of Umbridge’s office. “Cute, isn’t it?” said Cho happily. “Er . . . yeah,” said Harry untruthfully. “Look, she’s decorated it for Valentine’s Day!” said Cho, indicating a number of golden cherubs that were hovering over each of the small, circular tables, occasionally throwing pink confetti over the occupants.

Fleur Delacour: “[her wand] emitted a number of pink and gold sparks.” 

(Also not quite a villain, and I adore Fleur BUT… she’s written hyper-femme in an intimidating, borderline threatening way. She’s very opinionated, bordering on rude. She’s “full of herself” as Ginny puts it. And when she gets engaged to Bill and becomes an unambiguously good guy, she has this interesting moment of ~Pink Rejection~)

“. . . Bill and I ’ave almost decided on only two bridesmaids, Ginny and Gabrielle will look very sweet togezzer. I am theenking of dressing zem in pale gold — pink would of course be ’orrible with Ginny’s ’air —”

Hermione Granger: “Wearing a pink bathrobe and a frown”

(Hermione wears pink exactly one time, and it is at her most villainous… during Book 1, when she tries to stop Harry and Ron leaving in the middle of the night to go duel Malfoy.)

A voice spoke from the chair nearest them, “I can’t believe you’re going to do this, Harry.” A lamp flickered on. It was Hermione Granger, wearing a pink bathrobe and a frown. “You!” said Ron furiously. “Go back to bed!” “I almost told your brother,” Hermione snapped, “Percy — he’s a prefect, he’d put a stop to this.” Harry couldn’t believe anyone could be so interfering.

(She literally does the sitting-in-the-dark, villain-lamp thing. Also, in case you were wondering, yes Hermione DOES get a moment of ~Pink Rejection~)

Near the window was an array of violently pink products around which a cluster of excited girls was giggling enthusiastically. Hermione and Ginny both hung back, looking wary.

Which brings us too: 

PINK = SILLY/FRIVOLOUS (FEMME) 

Sybill Trelawney: “after you’ve broken your first cup, would you be so kind as to select one of the blue-patterned ones? I’m rather attached to the pink.”

(She’s a fraud. Also hides empty bottles of sherry in the room of requirement. (I’m going to have to be uncharitable in this section, so am sorry.) 

Parvati Patil: “robes of shocking pink"

(Often described as “giggling,” thinks Professor Trelawney is amazing, the real deal.)

The Fat Lady: “a very fat woman in a pink silk dress.” 

(Often described as giggling. Drinks too much during the holidays. JRK is unfortunately well known for being fatphobic. Also the Fat Lady has a friend named Violet, and Parvati has a friend named Lavender. Not really going anywhere with that, just funny that they’re both shades of purple.)

Hepzibah Smith: “an immensely fat old lady wearing an elaborate ginger wig and a brilliant pink set of robes.” 

(So… almost identical description to the Fat Lady. And I think we should maybe talk about her more, maybe? Because the way she’s framed… I think she might be Tom Riddle’s sugar mamma?)

“I brought you flowers,” he said quietly, producing a bunch of roses from nowhere. “You naughty boy, you shouldn’t have!” squealed old Hepzibah, though Harry noticed that she had an empty vase standing ready on the nearest little table. “You do spoil this old lady, Tom. . . .” 

(Or maybe we… shouldn’t talk about that. Either way, Tom Riddle does kill her, steal her stuff, and frame her house elf so thats… not great.)

PINK = EMBARRASSING 

“Everyone take a pair of earmuffs,” said Professor Sprout. There was a scramble as everyone tried to seize a pair that wasn’t pink and fluffy.

(Pink fluffy earmuffs are adorable.)

“Wash out your mouth,” said James coldly. “Scourgify!” Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape’s mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag.

(The next two example are 'pranks' as well, I think the pink-colored soap is there to add a kind of insult to injury.)

Shocking-pink Catherine wheels five feet in diameter were whizzing lethally through the air like so many flying saucers. 

(This is a bit from Fred and George’s farewell firework show, it's funny that they’re specifically pink fireworks that Umbridge can’t get rid of.)

“Headless Hats!” shouted George, as Fred waved a pointed hat decorated with a fluffy pink feather at the watching students. “Two Galleons each — watch Fred, now!” Fred swept the hat onto his head, beaming. For a second he merely looked rather stupid, then both hat and head vanished.

(also just, pumping up an embarrassing moment)

PINK = OUTSIDER, WEIRDO

Hagrid

Hagrid’s flowered pink umbrella, which contains his broken wand, is brought up a lot. In this case I think we’re meant to see it as a joke. Hagrid’s so big, and so masc, but the pink umbrella makes him non-threatening. However… the pink umbrella, it’s not a totally positive thing, is it? It doesn’t match, it isn’t *him.* Hagrid wouldn't have chosen to carry this around, totally on his own, if he'd had any other choice. It sets him apart, both visually and socially (because it's a constant reminder that he doesn't have a wand.)

Dobby

Dobby, once he is freed, gets pink-and-orange striped socks, and they’re meant to communicate that he’s… kind of a lot. “Yeh get weirdos in every breed,” as Hagrid puts it. JKR has a very strange, honestly antagonistic relationship with Dobby. He’s the victim of book 2, but structurally kind of the villain? He describes the house-elves situation as “enslavement,” but Hermione’s treated as overdramatic for calling house-elves slaves two books later. And then everything is ret-conned and Dobby is… just kind of weird for liking freedom (and socks) as much as he does.

Tonks

Book!Tonks defaults to “bubblegum-pink” hair. Her hair is described as pink a lot. (Movie!Tonks defaults to purple hair, because they were worried that pink would visually align her with Umbridge.) And this is the oddest one on the list to me, because Tonks is such a universally beloved, fan favorite character. But I really do think that *as written*... we’re supposed to put her in a category with Dobby. The two of them leave (unintentional) destruction in their wake. They’re loud, they’re a lot, they take up too much space. Harry thinks they’re both kind of annoying. (and yeah, Harry 100% thinks  Tonks is “a little annoying at times.”)

[afkhowstrange]

My Merlin’s lore and afkj headcanons

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS!!!

English isn’t my first language, i can’t write a decent story so i’m gonna yap the hell out of her lore:

- She goes by Rose since it was the only thing remained in her head the moment she woke up with severe memory loss or rather wiped.

- Thank god Merlin aka the not-yet-amnesiac-Rose left her a note filled with rules:

Dura’s orders and these following rules are the utmost things you should obey

1. If encounter a hypofiend, kill on sight

2. Keep moving forward, there’s no point of looking at your past

3. Help those who are in need if possible

4. Enjoy your new life, live to your heart’s content

5. Treat those you consider friends generously

6. Be well prepared for what’s to come, believe in yourself

Supreme Magister Merlin, Rose.

Rose was very skeptical of this note but later on, no one seemed to understand the language written on the note so it’s real legit she thinks.

- Merlin also left her infinite scroll filled with spells, incantations, hexes, jinxes and curses in alphabetical order, in a language only she could read of course. The only difficulty was to learn them all over again.

- The time when Rose goes into avatar state was actually Dura protecting her.

- Hammie helped Rose a lot with how to use magic. The little familiars were shocked and uneased that their master lost her memories all of a sudden, but as time goes by, they got used to the new magister eventually. The fact that the iconic traits of their master is still there, helped them feel at ease.

- Can’t say the same with Rose though, girl got existential crisis and impostor syndrome after finding out her magic (aside from the spells that Dura blessed her) is weak as hell compared to the great magister Merlin that Hogan and Mirael knew.

- She burned her ass out later on, learing spells, training in combat with Chippy, trying to reach people’s expectations of the great Merlin, if people find out their protector, Dura’s chosen one is a wimp, they’ll lose their faith.

Now, onto my headcanons of afkj’s lore

These multiple people holding out to the swords isn’t Merlin, they’re the fallen god’s Chosen ones.

I think these lines explained it well. Gosh i love Waves of intrigue.

Multiple heroes wielding swords, only one holding a torch, that’s our Magister Merlin!

If you’re sad that our Merlin doesn’t have a sword, worry not, they got a pretty sick one right here 👇 keep in mind that Phraesto is 205cm tall and this sword is longggg

And that’s it, thank you for reading, there’s more about Rose and her past rocking in the Inmortal war but that’s for another day, my phone is lagging as i was writing these words :,(

Here have some art! …yeah i isekai-ed my oc to Esperia to be Merlin so that’s why she got that hairstyle.

[jigujellee]

(gif creds: kimlipz)

YOUR VOICE IS MY FAVORITE SOUND -> while helping yunjin write her new song, you realize that there's more to her than her loud goofball self.

yunjin x 6th member!reader FLUFF >> word count: 1.4k warnings: none bc fluff is meant to be soft and gushy

a/n: here's me apologzing for the yunjin angst <3 to avoid any confusion - this is NOT a prequel to "love the way you lie" nor is it related in any way; this is its own thing where reader and yunjin are happily together bc they deserve it; enjoy soft and whipped y/n while i try to get angsty again

even with the water running, kazuha and eunchae could be heard in the background, giggling at whatever they were watching on the older girl’s phone.

“i’m sorry i couldn’t help you tonight y/n. i’ll do the dishes tomorrow okay?” your leader says as she magically emerges from her bedroom and immediately snakes her arms around your waist, leaning her head on your shoulder.

“i don’t mind cleaning up unnie, it’s really okay” chaewon hums in response while you place the last bowl on the dish rack to dry.

“where’s yunjin unnie?”

“in her room. i think she’s writing again”

you smile at the thought of your girlfriend trying to write a song. you could easily imagine the way she scrunches her nose while trying to figure out a chord progression, or the way her tongue slightly pokes out as she writes down lyrics in her notebook.

“maybe you should go help her instead of standing here and smiling like a creepy idiot” chaewon interrupts.

“for a moment, i forgot you were here” you joke as you playfully wipe your wet hands on her face.

“ya y/n!! i just did my skincare routine!” she yells while aggressively wiping her face on your shirt, which earned chaewon a playful slap on the shoulder.

once you finish wiping down the counters and tucking in eunchae’s chair (she swears her new year’s resolution is to push in her own chair), you walk towards yunjin’s bedroom. her door is ajar and from where you were standing, you could hear her hum a melody and attempt to strum a few chords. her back is to the door so she’s unaware that you’re leaning against her doorframe, admiring the art that is huh yunjin herself. you watch as she puts her pen down and clears her throat before singing;

it’s kind of shitty isn’t it? not the way we pictured it feels like an existential crisis or am i being dramatic? i wish the world would shut its mouth

“give me space to… sort all this shit out? no that doesn’t sound good” she grunts, and yunjin drops the guitar pick to replace it with her pen, scribbling out what she previously wrote. she sings the same line over and over, and just as she’s about to give up, you finally break your silence and offer a suggestion.

give me space to fucking sort it out?

yunjin’s head immediately turns around, you’re worried it might have given her whiplash. as soon as your eyes meet, you watch a smile grow on her face and you return the gesture with a smile of your own as you walk towards her bed.

“give me space to fucking sort it out,” yunjin tests the way it sounds before continuing on;

like i’m fine, just leave me alone i’m great on my own

you can’t help but stare at yunjin, watching the crinkles on her forehead when she sings and listening to how soft and melodic her voice is.

“honey, you’re staring”

“am i not allowed to admire you, my love?”

“it’s making me shy,” she admits, pink blush slowly painting her cheeks resulting in another smile on your face.

it's rare for yunjin to openly admit when she's shy. though her mbti says she's an introvert, you'd believe she's everything but that when you get to know her. she was a loud goofball most of the time and you absolutely loved her for that. but you also loved her in moments like this; when she’s quiet, focused, and vulnerable. yunjin always felt shy whenever she showed you the songs she wrote, and you’ll never forget about the time she admitted that it feels like she’s naked and bare in front of you when she presents her own creations.

you then realize you don't need to physically touch her to feel close to her - you feel her heart and soul in every word she sings, and you believe it’s the closest you’ll ever be to yunjin.

“helloooo anyone there? looks like someone’s staring again”

“well i think it sounds like an amazing song already” you say, finally breaking out of your daze.

“oh stop it, you’re just saying that because i’m your girlfriend”

“i’m saying it because it’s true. now sing some more, i’ll help with the chords”

now it’s yunjin’s turn to stare as she watches you take her acoustic guitar out of her hands, and grab her electric guitar instead.

“now look who’s staring” you say while plugging the guitar into an amp and start tuning it.

“i’m just lucky to have a girlfriend who’s talented like you”

you never liked to brag about your talent, but yunjin wasn’t lying. you’ve always loved anything and everything to do with music, and you would beg your parents to get you any instrument they could get their hands on - piano, guitar, drums, bass, and even violin. at some point during your trainee days, you even learned how to produce and mix songs. by definition, you were indeed an ace but you didn’t like admitting it and you’d playfully roll your eyes whenever the other members called you their ace.

“just sing darling” yunjin momentarily gushes at the pet name prior to singing, just as you requested.

i don’t know what i’d be doing without you you love who i am cause i don’t care as long as i’m with you i’ll reach for your hand

you couldn’t even bring yourself to try and come up with a chord progression; you wanted to hear that voice over and over for the rest of your life.

along with her heavenly voice, you also admired yunjin’s penmanship. you could tell her lyrics always came from the deepest parts of her heart and after hearing what she just sang, you feel your heart swell - you were just so amazed and proud at what she was capable of doing.

“go again,” and so she did. you asked her to sing about 3 or 4 more times before she realized you weren't even strumming anything.

“baby, are you gonna play or what?”

you chuckled and asked her to sing once more, with you actually playing the guitar this time.

“how was that?” she asks as you two wrapped up the song, and you notice her fidgeting with the corner of the page of her notebook. hearing her ask for feedback brought you back to the days you’d spend by her side while she’d practice before her monthly evaluation. it's a bittersweet memory for they were the moments you cherished the most but were also considered some of the toughest times in your career.

you don’t answer her and instead lean in to kiss her soft lips. of course, she enthusiastically returns the kiss causing her to drop her pen and notebook to wrap her arms behind your neck.

“ew,” says the leader from outside yunjin’s door. “close the door next time, eunchae might see you two,” and you look at yunjin before bursting out into laughter with her.

-

“3, 2, 1!” the staff counts down and the 6 of you blow the candles on the cake they prepared for you.

“happy 100 days to us!” eunchae yells while taking pictures of the cake and the decorations surrounding you.

after posing for pictures, the staff begins to play yunjin’s song through the speakers. everyone, including you, cheers and congratulates her for the release of her own solo song. you make your way towards her and embrace her lovingly, ignoring the sound of your other members fake gagging.

“you made a wonderful song, mahal”

“no, we did” she chuckles.

“you know what i think? we should write another song together and perform it on our wedding day”

yunjin feels her heart burst at the mention of your wedding. although it wouldn’t happen anytime soon, it brings so much excitement and leaves her to wonder what else was in store for the two of you, and also for the group.

she tries to lean in for a kiss but unfortunately, you're torn apart when chaewon and kazuha pull her away to take pictures while eunchae and sakura invite you to start eating the cake. yunjin's song comes to a close as you stare at your members and staff, and you smile as you think about all the memories you’ve made together while looking forward to the future of le sserafim.

but raise your glass, to the story of us.

[realbeijinger]

Another semi-coherent rant on climate change, the value of idealism, and TGCF (I finally finished!)

Well, I finished Tian Guan Ci Fu. And, oh man, if you read my last post, you’ll know that I was terrified that the entire novel would be a criticism of blind idealism. But I am SO glad I was wrong!!! Looking back on what I wrote before… it’s kind of hilarious how worried I was. I was so sure that I knew where it was going, was so busy preparing myself to be offended/emotionally crushed, that I wouldn’t even entertain the idea that maybe MXTX had a similar worldview to me all along.

In my defense, aside from the line, “Something like saving the common people… although foolish, it is brave,” everything seemed to point toward the idea that trying to do good is pointless. I mean, up until the moment when Xie Lian was lying with a sword in his chest on the streets of Yong’an, all of his efforts to do good had essentially been in vain. He hadn’t been able to help anyone.

And then, when the one guy stopped and gave Xie Lian his hat, I dunno, I just cried. It was so perfect! Like, ugh, damn you, MXTX! So sneaky… destroying us, just to bring us back later!! It was such a small, insignificant win, but it was exactly what Xie Lian (and I) needed. I love the line, “Just one person was enough!” Just one person doing something selfless. It’s enough to give us hope.   

It really resonates with me because I think a lot about how to maintain hope. In terms of the climate crisis, I feel like Xie Lian—completely powerless. I want to stop eating meat, use less plastic, spend more time on environmental activism, but honestly, what do any of these things matter? The meat industry is not going to change because I choose to stop consuming. Even my activism has a completely negligible effect—whether or not I join a protest or write a letter to my congressman will almost certainly not be the deciding factor for any climate legislation, no matter how much effort I put in.  

And yet, I still want to. I love the moment when Xie Lian chooses to get stabbed over and over rather than create a second plague of Human Face Disease, and White No-Face asks him in shock, “Why??”—as in, why would you ever do that? And Xie Lian responds: “I don’t have a reason—just because I want to! Even if I explained it to you… Useless trash like you wouldn’t understand.” This line is so great. Xie Lian can’t explain it to White No-Face, because, in truth, it isn’t entirely logical. It can’t be explained by reason. I want to do my measly, unimportant part to help the world… because I want to. Because it feels right. Because it’s my way of keeping my heart, of maintaining faith that there is some good in this world worth upholding. (As an aside, I love how the English title of the live action drama—which we may never get to see, God damn censorship!!!!—is called “Eternal Faith.” Of course it refers to Hua Cheng and Xie Lian’s faith in each other, but I think it also means having eternal faith in the value of doing good, despite centuries of experience that seem to show its pointlessness.)

As I talked about in my last post, if you zoom out far enough, nothing really seems to matter. Everything we love and care about will one day be gone. And yet, I believe we still have to act like it matters. This is the basic tenant of existentialism, and I think MXTX portrays this philosophical paradox really beautifully.

It’s funny, because I think MXTX has a lot of profound things to say, but in an interview I read, she warned against viewing her work too deeply, saying, “I am not a guru.” I get that she may not want the responsibility of giving people spiritual advice, but I do think she presents some really fascinating, really novel, philosophical ideas. So, sorry MXTX, but I’m about to analyze TGCF like it’s a piece of freakin scripture. Soo here we go…

The main theme she comes back to again and again is that fortune is limited, so the only way you can do good for others is by taking fortune from somebody else. Which leads the characters to a bunch of ethically impossible choices: the people of Yong’an and the people of Xianle can’t all be saved (Xie Lian must choose who to help), neither can the people of Wuyong and the surrounding kingdoms (Prince of Wuyong must choose), and Shi Wudu can’t save his brother from a tragic fate without taking fortune from an innocent person. When the characters try to avoid choosing, and try to “play God” by creating a “third path,” it just invites disaster.

But is this really true? Is fortune actually limited? It’s an idea that reminds me of Buddhism and Daoism, but also seems kind of revolutionary… (I like to think I know something about Chinese philosophy but it could certainly be a thing and I don’t know). I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe in limited resources, and the idea that nature tends toward balance. I think conceiving of it this way, as a pool of fortune, is really interesting.   

It reminds me of this Meme:

In other words, who is the protagonist and who is the villain is entirely based on perspective. And, according to the laws of nature, we all must survive by eating others, or causing others to starve (i.e. avoiding being eaten).

I tried to think if this is really true in all areas of life. I’m a teacher, and one of the ways I convince myself that I am doing good in the world is by helping my students—preparing them well for college so that they can get into good schools and follow their dreams. But then, is this just taking fortune from others? If I do prepare my students well, and as a result they all get into top universities, does that mean they are taking spots away from other students? Am I simply just helping “my own,” at the expense of others?

One place where I see this concept play out very clearly is with our modern, industrialized society. As I mentioned in my last post, we live in a world of abundance. Most of us have enough food to eat, live in houses with electricity and running water, and don’t worry about a whole host of diseases endured by our ancestors. It seems we have done what Xie Lian couldn’t—we have expanded the well of fortune for most of humanity.

But this fortune wasn’t spontaneously created. It was taken from other species. It was borrowed against our own future, when climate change will likely destroy this world of abundance we have created, causing untold suffering. In truth, when it comes to prosperity, there is no such thing as a free lunch.   

Even now, when we ought to be enjoying our fortune, most of us are not happy. We want other things. We take food, clothing, and shelter for granted, creating even bigger, more lofty demands—a bigger car, a better house, a machine that’s sole purpose is to make bread. In fact, it seems like whenever we make things “better,” the goalposts just move. I recently read a book called Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, which mentioned that with the advent of washing machines and vacuum cleaners, everyone assumed there would be more free time. Yet, the real outcome was that standards of cleanliness just changed. Suddenly, people expected you to wear fresh clothes every day and have a perfectly dust-free home, which meant spending just as much time cleaning as in the past.     

And according to psychologists, getting what we want doesn’t really make us happier. Instead, something like getting a promotion causes our happiness to spike, before it quickly returns to baseline. The psychologist Dan Gilbert writes that the purpose of our emotions is to act like a compass—to tell us which direction to go in. If you feel good, you can continue the way you are going. If you feel bad, you should probably turn—make a change. But if you get what you want and become permanently happy, your compass is now broken. It’s stuck in one direction and becomes useless.

All of this is very Buddhist, of course. Suffering is not caused by our external circumstances, but our desire to change them.

Like I said, I don’t necessarily believe in “fate” or “fortune.” But I believe this all points to something deeper that MXTX is getting at: which is that we cannot fundamentally make a better world, for the common people, or for anyone. This idea of “better” doesn’t really exist. The world is as it is. Trying to alter that is like playing God. And like Xie Lian says, “In this world, there are no true gods…”  

So, what do we do? How can we survive this absurdist tragedy of life? I don’t think we can just throw up our hands and not give a shit—that way lies depression and Jun Wu-style cruelty. We cannot lose our heart. But we also can’t try to fix everything.

One thing I find a bit difficult about MXTX is she is very clear about the impossible situations our characters find themselves in, but not really clear about the solution. She seems critical of the characters’ actions (I’m thinking also of Wei Wuxian here), but what exactly does she think they should have done? In other words, what is the point?

I spent a long time thinking about this. And I realized that Xie Lian was able to get back on his feet, find happiness and make peace with himself. How did he do this? Ultimately, I see Xie Lian’s solution as having three parts: self-sacrifice, gratitude, and purpose. Which all sounds very academic and maybe not that profound on an emotional level. But hear me out. Because, in the end, I think these choices are incredibly beautiful. They are the kind of thing that make me feel like reading TGCF was actually a spiritual experience, no matter what MXTX says. That makes me admire Xie Lian and want to follow him (like the God he is).

Okay so first: self-sacrifice. If fortune is limited, and the only way to make others’ lives better is to take fortune from someplace else, then there is really only one place you can take it from without hurting others—yourself.

So, part of Xie Lian’s solution is to take fortune from himself and give it to others. It’s why he asks for a cursed shackle that disperses his fortune, so that his fortune will naturally flow to those around him. It’s, of course, a very small thing. He is no longer playing God, or trying to “fix” the world on a grand scale. He is simply, in his own, quiet way, serving the common people.

My desire to give up meat and to spend more time on activism—these things feel like big sacrifices for me. And yet, they will have a very small impact on the greater situation in the world. They’re a drop in the ocean. I still want to do it, but it’s hard. It’s hard to care, or think that these things matter. Yet, this is the trade-off Xie Lian was willing to make. I really admire him for it.   

I believe self-sacrifice is actually a really important, beautiful thing, that our society has forgotten the value of. We are individualistic—obsessed with our own wants. As I mentioned previously, our expectations have risen, so we buy and buy and buy. We are unwilling to rein in our consumption. I know a lot of people baulk at lifestyle changes as a solution to the climate crisis, and I agree that putting pressure on individuals instead of governments or corporations is misguided. But, first of all, there simply aren’t enough resources on earth to sustain our current levels of consumption. And, second… I don’t think we can completely let individuals off the hook. What is society anyway, but a collection of individuals? If we are going to address this thing, it’s going to take a massive movement—bigger than the civil rights movement or the works’ rights movement or the women’s movement. It’s going to take millions of people worldwide getting out of their own heads, their own lives, and concerning themselves with the greater good. That requires immense sacrifice.

Which takes me to gratitude. In order to be willing to sacrifice, you have to appreciate what you already have.

People often talk about gratitude these days as a path to mental health. Instinctively, it sounds like an uplifting, positive thing. And it is… but it also entails having a relatively negative worldview. It means remembering all the horrible things that exist in this world which we are lucky enough to avoid on a daily basis. You stepped in some dog shit? Well, that sucks, but you could have stepped into an open manhole and broken your neck! So! That’s something to be grateful for.  

We are all so lucky. I’m sure everyone reading this has pains and traumas and challenges. This isn’t to diminish those, but, I hope, at least we all have at least one person to love. That’s all Hua Cheng had, and it’s what kept him going. Just one person was enough. And most of us, I hope, get to eat food every day, get to sleep in a bed, get to play video games or read novels or write poetry when we are sad. Not everyone gets those things.  

Xie Lian, of course, was the king of low expectations, because he knew his future was going to be bad. He had intentionally accepted bad luck for a lifetime. So, there was no point in hoping for things to get better.

I think this attitude is best shown by his interaction with the Venerable of Empty words. The Venerable of Empty Words feeds off people’s fears. But Xie Lian didn’t really have any. When the Venerable of Empty Words warned him that his hut will collapse in two months, his response is, “Two months? If it’s still standing in seven days, then it’ll be a real miracle.” Because his expectations are so low, he’s essentially immune to fear. I can’t help but think that if you could really think this way, it would be a kind of superpower. It reminds me of the famous quote by spiritual teacher Krishnamurti, “Do you know what my secret is? You see, I don’t mind what happens.”

And so Xie Lian is okay with everything. He can sleep anywhere, crash boulders on his chest for money, not eat for three days, regularly suffer corpse poisoning, and still be okay.

Which leads to my third point: purpose. Xie Lian is able to endure such hardship because his expectations are low, but also he knows all his suffering has a purpose. “If I am to become a God of misfortune, then so be it,” he says. “As long as I know deep down that I am not.” He is okay with being laughed at or avoided for his bad luck, because deep down he knows he is doing the right thing. People can withstand a great deal if they feel their suffering has meaning. In Man’s Search for Meaning, the psychiatrist Victor Frankl’s writes about the horrors of living through a concentration camp, and how over and over, it was creating purpose that allowed him, and others, to find motivation to survive. Which I think has an important lesson for self-sacrifice. People are willing to sacrifice a lot, if they feel their sacrifice has purpose.

I get it when MXTX says that she is not a guru, and maybe it’s a lot to ask of a danmei novel to take spiritual advice from it. The book wasn’t necessarily perfect, and I do have some critiques (which I was gonna add here, but this thing is already wayyy too long). But… I do think I found something really meaningful in this story—some inspiration. I want to follow Xie Lian’s example, and live with gratitude and acceptance, while keeping my faith in doing the right thing. In other words, WWXLD! (What Would Xie Lian Do?)

[star-going-supernova]

Here's a prompt: the mimic in the basement TRULY THINKS that it's Gregory, and when Cassie declares that it isn't, it starts to have an existential crisis/panic attack about its identity and what it is.

Here we go with tumblr generated prompt number 14! For the sake of this AU, Gregory was completely uninvolved in the Mimic’s imprisonment and doesn’t even know it’s down there. I took this in a softer, more hopeful direction. 

Identity Issues

Cassie climbed through the hole the forklift had made, looking around the dark room. “Gregory?” she called. 

“Cassie!” he said, off to her left, only… his voice… “I’m so glad to see you!” 

She hesitated. His voice sounded… off. Glitchy, almost. 

“I’ve been stuck down here for so long,” he complained, that odd fizzy crackle not going away. “I can’t tell you how bored I’ve been.” 

Peering into the darkness, Cassie found a pair of glowing red eyes staring back at her. She sucked in a startled breath and stumbled back, nearly tripping over the rubble she’d caused. 

“Cassie?” the thing that wasn’t Gregory said. “Are you okay?”

The eyes suddenly rose in the air, and Cassie became very aware that the robot was much taller than her. It came closer, creaking slightly but not heavy-footed the way the animatronics were. 

It emerged into the meager light spilling out of the hole in the wall. Cassie tensed, preparing to run. It had a similar build to the endoskeletons she’d encountered, just bare, plain metal forming the most basic human shape. It’s head and face were more humanized than the endos, and it—maybe it was an odd thing to take notice of, but—it wasn’t symmetrical. Its feet didn’t match, or its legs or hands. 

It looked… homemade. 

Her friend’s voice, with only that little digital tinge to show that it wasn’t the real deal, came out of it. “Something on my face?” it asked, amused. “I bet I look like I’ve been rolling around in the dirt, huh?” 

It even sounded like something Gregory would say; it knew his personality, had been near-perfectly mimicking him all night. The only out-of-character moments had been things she’d attributed to the stress of the situation.

“Yeah,” she said slowly. Should she point out that it wasn’t Gregory? Did it think she was fooled? Would it attack her if it thought the game was up? Cassie clutched her flashlight tightly and shuffled her feet, uncertainty make her heart pound. 

In the end, it wasn’t her choice to make. 

Her walkie-talkie clicked. “Cassie? Cassie, are you there? Can you hear me?”

The robot sort of flinched backward, and even though it had no facial expressions, she thought it seemed shocked. 

Raising the walkie-talkie, Cassie said, “Yeah, yeah, I hear you.” 

A rush of breath left Gregory. “Holy hell, Cassie, just give me a heart attack next time! I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all night! What are you doing in the pizzaplex? It’s not safe there anymore, believe me.” 

She wanted to ask if he was the real Gregory. But apparently there was no way to trust a voice without seeing the body it came from. 

She didn’t get the chance to answer because the robot asked, “Why does that sound like me? Who is that?” 

It occurred to Cassie that maybe, possibly, crazily, the robot wasn’t trying to fool her. That, as unlikely as it sounded, it actually thought it was Gregory. 

“It’s my friend,” she said gently. “My friend Gregory.” 

“But—I’m Gregory.” 

Gregory interrupted, “Not loving the radio silence here, Cassie. Where are you? I’m following your path of destruction—I’m so proud, by the way, baby’s first destruction of property—but like, you’re way farther in than I expected. And I could skip this walk down memory lane if you’d just tell me where you are.” 

“I’m Gregory,” the robot whispered, hunching in on itself. It shuffled its feet, uncertain, and fiddled with its hands. They were shockingly human habits, though she’d never seen Gregory look so fragile and confused. “I’m—I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “But you aren’t.” Its red eyes flickered and dulled, and it lowered its head. Into her walkie-talkie, she said, “I’m in these weird tunnels beneath the raceway.” 

There was a fumbling noise, and then Gregory burst out, “In the buried pizzeria?! Get out of there, Cassie, geez! There’s a freaky wire-y blob monster down there that will try to eat you if you disturb it!” 

Cassie critically examined the pitiful robot in front of her. It didn’t read as a blob monster, whatever that meant. And it didn’t seem inclined to eat her. It was just watching her, somehow radiating sadness. 

“Unrelated, but that night you spent here, did you manage to accidentally convince a robot it was you?” she asked, ignoring his panic. Giving a robot identity issues of that caliber seemed like the sort of thing Gregory was capable of. 

“Uh—no? Why?” 

Lowering her walkie-talkie for the moment, Cassie inched closer to the robot, tensing despite its lack of anger or aggression. “Hey,” she said, and it looked up at her with dim golden eyes that almost looked clouded over. They were much softer than the red, and even kinda pretty in their own way. “You might not be Gregory, but that’s not a bad thing. I mean, I wouldn’t want to be Gregory.” 

It wrapped its arms around its torso—which was really just a thick metal bar and a pair of hydraulic cylinders—in a hug for itself. “But I don’t know how to be anyone else. I only remember being Gregory.” 

Cassie realized too late that she’d squeezed her walkie-talkie, turning on the microphone. And she realized it because Gregory said, “Wait, was that—was that my voice? Did—did you find a robotic clone of me?” 

She shouldn’t have been surprised that he sounded excited about that. 

But thank goodness he was as weird as he was, because rather than get upset or freaked out, Gregory cackled and cried, “I want to meet him!” 

Cassie peeked up at the robot, curious about how it would respond. And enough of Gregory’s… everything must have carried over, however that had happened, because it correctly read the silent question in her eyes. 

“I’d… like to meet him,” it said haltingly. “I—I can feel it now. It’s like… a mask. And now I know where the edges are, but there’s nothing underneath. I am no one.” 

“Well, then maybe Gregory and I could help you decide who you are underneath, without any mask at all. And in the meantime,” she sighed internally, “I bet Gregory would be thrilled to have someone just like him who’s willing to help him prank people.” 

Its eyes brightened, and yeah, it was unfortunately a lot like Gregory. 

“We’ll meet you in the raceway,” Cassie said into her walkie-talkie. And then she bravely held her hand out to the robot. “C’mon, let’s get out of here. It’s gross down here, and you really do look like you’ve been rolling around in the dirt.” 

The robot laughed with Gregory’s voice, and it was remarkably gentle when it took her hand. 

[ohtobeleah]

omg can we talk about Bobby Bear for a minute bc that entire portion of the finale had me sobbing 😭

Like seeing as how Dot’s only 3 and blocks out most of the final ToE events as she gets older, I doubt that she really remembers Bob or the significance of Bobby Bear. Of course she’ll still have him as a teenager, but I’m just thinking of what it’s like after the events of “Dot visits Jaidyn in jail” where she learns that someone literally died to save her. I’m also thinking of how she might ask her parents to take her to visit Bob’s grave—his final resting place for the last decade at that point 🧸

ToE

{ Listen, I’m a firm believer in the ideology that kids see ghosts. My mum used to tell me that when I was a kid I’d sit on the pool step talking to myself for ages and one time when she was hanging out the washing she heard me talking and asked who I was talking to and I said Nana Leonie. Who’s my dads mum who died when he was 12 in a car accident. They had never told be about her because I was only like four/five at the time. }

And I think that’s what happens to little Dot. She’s sitting on her swing set just talking to herself. She’s got Bobby Bear sitting on the grass beside her. Minding her own business.

“Who you talkin to over there princess?” Bradley’s asking as he hangs out some of the washing that needed to be done in an emergency batch. Flightsuits and stuff.

“Bobby—“

“Bobby Bear got something to say does he?” And Dot has Bradley frozen in a flashback that he can’t get out of when she replies to him.

“He says mama has a baby on board.” And all Bradley can hear in his mind is Jake’s infectious laugh coming through the comms from when they all came back together for the uranium mission, where Jake had assumed Bob stood for baby on board.

“Did Bobby Bear say that?” He’s got a little layer of sweat across his forehead as he asks. There’s no way, right?

“No, Bob did.” Dots correcting her soon to be legal guardian. In a few short months that’s what Bradley would be. “He says hi Tooster.” And it’s just the most shocking moment for Rooster. Because he’s just standing there at the line hanging washing watching Dot talk to herself and is all of a sudden in the middle of an existential crisis about the possibility of ghosts being a legitimate thing.

“Hey Dotty.” Bradley knows it’s probably stupid to ask but if there was a chance, even just the slightest chance, he wanted Bob to know. “Can you tell Bob I’m sorry?” And Bradley watches as Dot converses with herself like she’s having a full on in-depth discussion with someone standing right next to her.

“He said he knows.” That’s when Bradley is scooping little miss Dot up and collecting Bobby Bear and barreling into the house. He’s looking for you in a panic. Anxiety attack approaching.

“Fe?” Bradley calls when you aren’t in the living room. Dots hanging upside down as Bradley holds her like a surfboard. She’s a giggling mess. “Honey you around?”

“What’s wrong?” You’re racing down the hall because the way Bradley sounded made you believe the house was on fire. “Roo—?” He looked pale, like he’d just seen a ghost. Or heard from one that was.

“You need to take a pregnancy test and Dot sees ghosts.”

“Did you hit your head on something?” It’s a genuine question to a very puzzling statement. “Bradley, hon, what happened why do you look ill?” It’s the palm against his forehead that calms Rooster down, your touch always brought him solace. He placed little Odette down who takes her Bobby Bear and makes her way into her room. She had better things to be doing than watching her dad have a full blown anxiety attack. “What happened?”

“Do you ever talk to her about Bob?” It’s a blunt question Bradley is sure he already knows the answer to. You don’t talk about Bob to anyone let alone Odette. But everyone had agreed to not bring Bob up around your little girl, incase it triggered an episode. She’d begun to block it out, her therapist had told you it was normal in childhood trauma. It was a coping mechanism.

“Not directly no.” You frowned curiously. “Why?”

“She said that Bob said that you have a baby on board and then I asked her to tell Bob I was sorry and she said he already knows!” Bradley knew he sounded crazy by the look on your face you gave him in reaction to his explanation. “I ain’t crazy baby don’t look at me like that.”

“Bradley, I love you—but there’s no such thing a ghosts.” You reply a little sharper than normal. Bradley knows why, the topic of Bob never left you feeling good. It was still a fresh wound. “I’ll take a pregnancy test in a few days if I’m late—“ You leave it at that. Rooster hangs around the threshold of Dots room just watching her play. He felt like he was going crazy.

But what made it even worse was when that pregnancy test came back positive.

“Holy shit you do have a baby on board—“ The whole experience kind of confirms that there’s some sort of life after death for Bradley, which gives him a lot of closer, brings him a lot of peace. You don’t buy into it. And Odette doesn’t seem to really stick with the whole kids see ghosts thing either because as she grows up, her imaginary friend Bob doesn’t seem to appear as much anymore. She just grows out of it much like you thought she would. Bobby Bear is just another one of her many toys and suddenly—she’s being told exactly what happened that night on Uncle Jakes front porch after going to see that monster she’d been calling her dad for months on end.

“Will you take me to see him?” Dot had spent the majority of the day with you in bed, talking about the things that you’d endured, talking about Bob and about how Bradley was just always there for the two of you. “Bob?” Odette had a new found appreciation for Bradley, her dad.

“Sure baby, you know—before Riley was born you kinda had Rooster in a frenzy thinking ghosts were real and that Bob wasn’t just some imaginary friend of yours.” You could remember it like it was yesterday, how pale and scared out of his fucking kind Bradley had really been that day. He was convinced Bob was about to have him staring in something right out of the conjuring.

“How?” Dots asking, she just wanted to keep the conversation going. She wanted to know everything, no detail left out or stone unturned. If she couldn’t get it from you she now knew who to go to. Uncle Jake.

“You used to say a lot of weird things, just things only Bob would know— Or you somehow knew things we’d never told you about.”

“You don’t believe in ghost mum?” You shook your head with a firm No and a tight smile.

“I don’t believe that a man who was ground in mathematics and science and probability theory would ever be a ghost, no.” You just didn’t believe it was in Bobs inherit nature.

So the next day, you and Bradley took Odette up to Bobs grave. She’d never been there before. You’d never taken her purely to keep the memories at bay for her. All you ever did say in and day out as a mother was protect your kids.

“How’s it hangin’ Floyd?” Bradley clapped as he picked up some of the dead flowers Natasha had last left. He knew it was her because there was a beer bottle sitting next to the bouquet. The beer Bob never got to give Rhett. It became a tradition every-time Rhett was in North Island, the two would go up and see Bob for a while. “Brought you a visitor man, little Dotty got big didn’t she?”

“Does he do this a lot?” Dots asking as she walks with you up to Bobs headstone. Her hand couldn’t have been tighter in yours if she wanted it to be. Bradley Bradshaw had lost a lot of good people in his life, the idea they weren’t inherently gone for good helped him process that loss.

“Yeah, you should see him at your grandparents graves—it’s heartbreaking.” It’s a little overwhelming for the teenager who was only just now learning about the events you’d kept a secret from her. The fact someone had died trying to protect you, protect her made her stomach churn.

“I feel like I’m gonna be sick.”

“That feeling never goes away.” You held your daughter close as she cried into your chest. “I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you everything sooner sweetheart.”

“Bobby Bear?” Dot sobbed as she pulled away and wiped her tears. “That was Bob wasn’t it?”

“Uncle Rhett has one too.” Bradley confirmed as if it had been a massive secret that no one ever spoke about. “He was the one who gave it to you.”

“And we all have the same pair of glasses tattooed.” You showed your daughter the faded outline of the pair of aviators you had on your finger. It really needed to be redone. “Your father has his on his wrist.” Dot already knew about the tattoos you both had, she just didn’t know the symbolism behind them.

“Jake has his on his ass—“ The three of you laugh just as the wind picks up around you, Bradley’s convinced it’s Bob laughing too. You just think it’s been windy all damn day.

It’s not till a few weeks later when Rhett’s in town for parent teacher interviews with Phoenix and the twins does he learn that Odette knows about Bob. She tells him point blank when he’s over for dinner catching up with Jake and Amilia.

“Where do you keep your bear Uncle Rhett?”

“What the hell do I keep my what now?” Rhett’s frowning curiously until Dot hands him the tattered old bear that had been threw her entire childhood. Her favourite teddy bear. Bobby Bear.

“Jake told me everything that happened—“ She didn’t have the heart to tell him why, she couldn’t tell her Uncle Rhett she went to see the man who killed his brother. “Mum told me all about him, Bob that is.” Rhett doesn’t know what to say, he knew this day would come. He just wasn’t expecting it to be today.

“C’mere kid.” Rhett’s heading back into the house, he makes his way to the spare room as Dot follows and opened his suitcase. Right at the top is the same identical bear. Just a little less beat up. “He comes everywhere with me.”

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

[miracles-and-butterflies]

PAPA BRUNO AU, JUST IMAGIN ITS ISABELA, gurl would be flabbergasted 😭 tho what if it's either one of the oldest, dolores or isabela, the timing would kinda fit

Isabela does not get paid enough for this.

~~~~~~

“That is us down to four.”

Camilo spat out his juice. “What? You believe Luisa’s stupid birthmark thing?”

“I saw that piece of evidence, yes.” Dolores confirmed, rolling her eyes a bit. She took a seat between Camilo and Isabela at the breakfast table. “It is generally fascinating to me though, how they ended up with matching birthmarks. How peculiar DNA can be… But Luisa did say something strange yesterday.”

“It’s Luisa. You’re going to have to be more specific.” Isabela remarked.

“That I don’t have a sister and I never will.”

“But that’s true? You don’t.” Camilo gasped. “Don’t tell me Mama has got a secret kid too!”

“No! I mean, what if Tío Bruno didn’t have one child? What if there were more?”

Camilo and Isabela shared glances as they pondered over the new theory. Dolores sipped her tea in silence. She’d by lying if she said she didn’t enjoy the brief minute of peace.

“But then there’d be like a twenty year age gap between whichever of you two it is and Antonio,” Camilo said.

“Who said it was one of us? Maybe it’s you?” Isabela fired back.

“It can’t be Antonio either. The timing wouldn’t work.” Dolores argued. “Besides, I can confirm that I definitely heard him in our mother’s womb.”

“So it’s just us three?” They demanded.

“Seems to be.”

They sat in silence again.

Dolores continued drinking her tea, while her brother and cousin both looked to be having some kind of existential crisis at the thought of it possibly being them.

Camilo eventually shrugged, looking more relaxed. “Well, you had your gift before I was born! You heard me too. It’s gotta be at least of one of you guys.”

“I spent most of my time in my room following my ceremony. Or I was wearing my earmuffs.” The listener countered with a small huff. “Frankly, enhanced hearing was not a simple or quick thing to adapt to - especially as a child. I could barely tell you if a sound came from the left or the right of me. Let alone an unborn baby.”

“What are we meant to do now? Just question every midwife in town until we get answers?” Isabela asked.

“Great idea!” Camilo exclaimed, leaning over the table. “I’ll shapeshift into Luisa and threaten them!”

“Absolutely not. That is a terrible idea and I’m sure Isa was only being sarcastic.”

“Well, do you have a better idea?”

Dolores thought for a moment. “Just remain quiet and subtle. One of the adults might let something slip, if we’re clever about it. It didn’t take much for our mother to talk. While Abuela’s out speaking to the Guzmáns, I’m going to check Bruno’s room.”

[pregnant-piggy]

November

The Artist’s Muse series

Remus Lupin x reader

word count: 2.3k

summary: Remus works on his dear novel all day, leaving you on your own in the store, but you don’t really mind as at the end of the day Remus comes to you and no one else

Rain slammed down on the window, blurring the lights out on the street. There was one person inside of Muses, scanning through the books in the ‘thriller’ section. You had put on some music on the old record player and you were browsing through your inventory list to pick out the book-of-the-week for upcoming week.

You were stuck on a coming-of-age book that Remus had recommended to you a while ago and a book with feminist themes that had recently been published and the author had been so kind to send to you. You knew they’d both do well, so it came down to personal taste. The problem was that you hadn’t read either book and all you had to go on were the covers and the short summaries.

In the end, you chose for the feminist book, having decided that you could use the other book for a different book-promotion. Besides, you liked the cover better and you were the one who had to look at it all week.

The person who had been silently reading the backs of books, walked up to the check-out counter and placed three books on it. “These please.”

“Oh, great choice,” you said as you scanned and packed the books. “That writer is one of the best thriller writers out there, I believe.”

The person smiled and nodded. “Same. I’ve read all her books but this one. I didn’t even know it was out yet until I saw it here. I came for a different book but I couldn’t not buy it.”

“The benefits of a bookstore,” you laughed as the costumer paid. “Well, I’ll hope to see you again someday! I’ll make sure we keep any new books stocked.”

The person smiled and said goodbye.

When the door closed you were alone again. Not entirely alone, however, for Remus was sitting in the office, but he hadn’t been out since lunch and a writing Remus was as good as no Remus in case you were in need of his help.

With the heavy rain the streets were empty but for a few people and the entire day had been slow. You had done all your necessary work already and now you were just wasting time till the end of the day. You had hoped that Timmy, your but-not-actually-yours cat, would come by but you guessed that he had found a nice spot safe from the rain somewhere else.

After you had written a little text to summarise what the book-of-the-week was about and you had ordered extra copies, you decided to peek in on Remus and see if he needed anything.

The office was tiny, with just enough room for a small desk and a low fridge. The walls hung full of order papers and schedules, notes on things that you needed to remember, and a few pictures of you and Remus and your friends. There were plants that needed water, a desk chair that squeaked terribly, and only one small window that you couldn’t open because it was too high for you.

Remus was sitting with his hands in his hair, his back to you as you opened the door.

“Hey, Rem,” you said, shaking him from what seemed like an existential crisis. “How’s it going?”

Remus looked up and leaned back in the chair when he noticed you. It squeaked.

“’m alright,” he mumbled, rubbing his hands over his face. “What’s up?”

You leaned against the doorframe. “Nothing, just thought I’d check on you. It’s not very often I don’t see you for so long.”

Remus laughed. He stretched his arms out over his head as he yawned. A sliver of skin appeared from under his rising jumper and you quickly tore your eyes away before he would notice.

“Can’t go without me for that long, huh?” he smirked. “I’m almost done.”

“Okay. You think you can finish in an hour?”

“An hour? Why?”

“Because we’re closing in an hour and I don’t want to leave you alone here.”

Remus frowned. “What do you mean we’re closing in an hour? We just had lunch.” He looked around the desk, searching for his phone.

You stepped behind him and showed your watch. “It’s 4.15.”

Remus looked at the watch and then his gaze followed your arm up to your face. He looked as if he was thinking very hard.

“I’ve been here for four hours already?”

“Yup.”

“Oh.” He blinked twice. “Shit. I thought I’d really made some progress.”

“How does the time influence that?” You pulled your arm back and looked at the laptop on the desk. “Your word count hasn’t changed because it’s two hours later than you thought.”

“No,” Remus sighed. “But I thought I’d done all this in two hours. Now it appears I am just slow.”

You laughed and squeezed his shoulder twice. “That’s alright,” you said, giving him a smirk. “Believe me, sometimes slow is better than fast.”

Remus’s ears turned pink and you giggled.

“You’ve still got an hour left,” you said, walking back into the store. “Do your magic, my sweet author!”

You closed the door of the office but not before you could hear Remus yell a ‘fuck you’ back at you.

- -- - -- -

Ten minutes before closing up, Remus emerged from the office. You saw him in a flash of messy hair and red cheeks, but you were talking with a costumer and didn’t have the time to pay more attention.

“It’s a fine choice,” you said, handing the book over to the man you were helping. “Very expressionist, but alright.”

The man flashed a wide smile and took the book from you. You were sure that he realised you didn’t actually like the book but he was so friendly not to say something. As he accepted the book his fingers brushed over yours and you quickly pulled away.

Giving the man a tight smile you walked with him to the check-out counter. Remus was leaning against it and stepped back to give you space.

“Can I get you anything else?” you asked the man.

“Actually, do you have a pen?”

You looked up from the book. “A pen?”

“Yes, a pen.” The man gestured to the book. “It’s a gift for my girlfriend, you see? I’d like to write a little message in it before you wrap it up.”

A weird chuckle escaped your mouth and then you laughed genuinely over the confusion. “Yeah, we have a pen.”

The man bowed over the book and quickly wrote something down. He turned it back for you to wrap it and you glanced at what he had written.

Happy birthday, love. You make me the happiest I’ve ever been. Love, Nicolas.

You let him pay for the book and watched as he winked and left the store. He swung the paper bag with his gift along with his steps. At the door he looked over his shoulder one last time and gave you a short wave.

You decided not to tell him the book was about a girlfriend killing her partner.

Remus laughed as he came to stand beside you. “Did he just buy that for his girlfriend?”

“Yup.”

“And does he know…?”

“Nope.”

Remus looked at you.

“Don’t blame me!” you cried out, raising your finger at him. “He wanted the book! All the other ones I recommended weren’t good enough for him. I think he just liked the cover.”

Remus snorted and shook his head.

As you started with closing up the register, you threw a glance over your shoulder at Remus. “So, did you make any progress?”

“A little. It’s just…” He fell silent.

“The hospital again?” you offered.

Remus let out a tired chuckle. “Sometimes,” he said, “it feels as if you are writing it, not me.”

“Well, I’ve been listening to you talk about it for years. Sometimes I feel like I’m writing it.” You shut the register and wrote down the day’s income. “So what is it?”

Remus, who had picked up the broom, sighed and stood still, looking at you. “He’s at the hospital, gives the wrong name, and then I’m stuck.”

“Because…?”

“Because, no one knows that it’s not his true name. If you didn’t know me and I said my name’s Tom, you wouldn’t doubt that, would you?”

“Depends on how suspicious it seemed,” you said and Remus laughed. “I mean, you don’t really look like a Tom.”

“Alright, a normal person wouldn’t doubt it. So how do the people in the hospital know that he’s given them the wrong name?”

You leaned over the counter, watching as Remus swept the floor. “Don’t they do check-ups on people’s identity? I mean it is kinda weird that he has no other way to identify himself.”

Remus only hummed, which you knew meant he was thinking about your answer.

“And besides, he came into that hospital himself and didn’t bring any identification. That’s even weirder.”

Remus hummed again.

“Even if they don’t doubt his name, they at least got to have some suspicions about his mental stability.”

Remus had stopped sweeping and had squeezed his eyes nearly shut. There was a deep frown on his brow and you had to resist the urge to smooth it out with your hand.

You liked Remus when he was focused on his work. Even if it meant you had to work alone the whole day. You didn’t mind it at all if at the end of that day you could see Remus emerging from the tiny office with his curls all over the place and cheeks red from the energy he had put into his work. He’d come out all jumpy and chatty some days, when he’d missed talking to people, and you’d end up sitting with him in the store for hours past closing time, just talking about his novel and other things that didn’t have to do with it. You loved those days the best, when his crooked smile revealed how tired he was but he would sit beside you still.

Today wasn’t like that, but you still appreciated the way Remus tilted his head and bit his lip as he thought about your suggestion. It reminded you of the very first time he had told you about the idea he had and you had bombed him with a billion questions that he’d had no answer to yet.

Remus opened his eyes and smiled. “You’re right.”

“As usual.”

He picked up the broom again and disappeared behind a bookcase.

You cleaned out the last things and put on your coat. You waited for Remus at the door, watching him put on his coat and scarf. His lips disappeared behind the orange fabric but you could see his smile through it still.

When you stepped outside you wished you could live inside Muses. It had stopped raining, but the wind was howling around your ears, blowing through your coat and engulfing you in what felt like a bath of ice. You hopped from one foot to the other as Remus locked the door.

“Bloody hell,” Remus mumbled as he stepped back from the door.

You snorted. “I don’t think ‘hell’ is the right term for a place so freaking cold.”

“Hm, yes, but ‘bloody north pole’ doesn’t roll off your tongue so easily.”

“That’s fair,” you said, looking up at Remus. “’S more accurate, though.”

Even though it was cold and you knew that you wouldn’t be able to feel your toes anymore in two minutes, you found that some part of you didn’t want to go yet. Something was keeping you in your place, like a tight-spun thread attaching you to Muses. And Remus.

He smiled at you, the top of his mouth appearing from above the scarf.

“Thank you for taking over today,” he started. “I know I should’ve been there with you today, but I really appreciate you letting me use the office. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

You shook your head. “Don’t worry about it.”

“But I left you all on your own.”

“It’s no big deal, Rem. I’m glad you got some work done today.” You nudged his leg with the tip of your shoe. “The literary world is waiting on you.”

Remus chuckled, his cheeks coloured pink.

“Still, I should have helped you. You were on your own all day. I’m sorry.”

“No, no apologies.” You shook your head again. “I really don’t mind, Rem. I’m not lying to you to make you feel better. You know me better than that.”

He barked a laugh. “I do, yeah.”

You smiled at Remus, his golden curls illuminated by the streetlights, his eyes sparkling from his laugh. The tip of his nose was turning pink and you had to resist the urge to boop it with your finger. He looked excruciatingly adorable, all tired and slow he was now.

Although you didn’t want to go, you knew that you really had to or you’d get sick. You opened your arms and pulled Remus in for a quick hug goodbye.

“See you tomorrow, Rem,” you said as you pulled back. The thread that kept you in place pulled tighter.

Remus’s cheeks were truly red now and you felt bad you had kept him standing outside in the cold for so long. You waved him away.

“No being late! Or you have to get the first round of coffee!”

As he turned around, Remus laughed and his sweet laugh echoed through the empty street. You felt your insides getting a bit warmer and was reassured at the knowledge that even if the rest of the world was freezing, you’d always have Remus’s warm laugh.

- - - - - - - -

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​  MASTERLIST  

[silver-rings-and-rabbits]

Open Heart 2 - Chapter 8

Fair Game

Two weeks later, and the situation hadn’t improved. Stephanie started treatment at Mass Kenmore, but Edenbrook was now sinking. They hadn’t been able to find anymore wealthy patients for the diagnostics teams either and Matthew’s head swam with exhausted thoughts as he watched his friends playing pool in one of the Donahue’s tables.

“That’s why they call me Dr Sink!” Sienna crowed as she potted several pool balls in a row. Her excitement was short-lived, however, as she fumbled her next shot.

She passed the cue on to Jackie as Matthew racked his brain for what seemed like the billionth time for any other hospital cases that could qualify for a research grant. He yelped when a pool ball suddenly bounced off the table and struck the floor, bringing him back to earth with a bump.

“Jeez, what did that ball do to you?” he said as he retrieved it.

“Sorry. It’s…been a day,” Jackie sighed as she realigned her shot. “I had to deal with a lady who had been struggling with stomach pain for a month at home. The only reason she came in was because her neighbour found her writhing on the ground in her apartment.”

“Oh, the poor thing,” Sienna said. “Will she be OK?”

“Oh, she’ll live,” Jackie said, grimly, as Bryce brought a tray of drinks over. “But she’ll have a few less feet of intestine than she would have if she’d gotten over her weird hang ups and come in when the stabbing pain started.” She potted a ball and swigged a beer. “How about you, Matthew? You look like you’ve had a day in paradise.”

“Honestly?” Matthew mussed his hair, wearily. “I can’t stop thinking about Mass Kenmore poaching our research grant.”

“…Still?”

“I can’t believe how petty that was,” Sienna agreed.

“Can’t blame them exactly, they need the money as much as we do,” Jackie said. “Have you talked to Aurora about it?”

“No,” Matthew said, firmly. “We’re in a great place and I’m not going to jeopardise that, especially when it was done by some other guy she works with.”

Sienna smiled at him in relief, but Bryce had his cocky grin.

“Sounds like you need a little revenge, Matthew.”

“Bryce…”

“Hear me out. The annual softball game between Edenbrook and Kenmore is this weekend…”

It was supposedly a long-standing tradition for the two hospitals to play a softball game against each other in the first weekend of October. Matthew had found out about it last year, when he and the rest of the interns had worked brutal double-shifts where a lot of older doctors had been unavailable. They had been playing baseball and drinking each other under the table. He’d been excited for his turn once, but now he felt a little jolt of shock that it was October already.

As Matthew pondered the passage of time, Kyra walked into the bar and settled into the booth. Bryce offered her a beer, which she declined.

“Hasn’t Kenmore kicked your asses for the last three years?” she smirked. Bryce tossed back his fringe.

“This year we’re gonna turn it around: Elijah and I are on the team.”

“Elijah’s strategic brain and innate love of baseball makes sense,” Jackie nodded. “But what the hell are you bringing to the table, Scalpel Jockey?”

“Charm, talent and looks.”

“All equally important in softball,” Matthew snorted.

Bad jokes and existential crisis aside, he was slightly cheered by the prospect of the game. Sienna preferred to watch, Kyra wasn’t up to participation and Jackie was more interested in watching Bryce dive for the ball and get a face full of dirt.

“I’ll do it,” Matthew said. “I could do with a win. Besides, a good game might cool things down a bit.”

“Yeah, let’s beat them into friendship!” Sienna was being completely genuine, and Matthew couldn’t help smiling at her sweetness.

“Was hoping for more fire, but I’ll take it!” Bryce grabbed a cue. “Now, who’s ready to lose to me at pool?”

“I’ll take that challenge!”

As Bryce, Jackie and Sienna lined up a new game, Matthew bought Kyra a glass of water and sat beside her.

“Are you OK?” he asked. “You’ve been quiet today.”

“Mm. I’ve just been having a lot of chest pain. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.” She gave a wan smile. “Still, I’m keeping up the treatments. It’ll be over soon.”

“That’s a relief,” Matthew smiled. They didn’t keep up much conversation as they watched Sienna proudly beat Jackie and Bryce at pool, then started preparing to leave. The girls would see Kyra home. Matthew helped Bryce clear the glasses.

“Where’s Keiki if you’re here?”

“At the apartment. She’s fine there. I think she prefers it when I’m not there.”

Matthew delicately asked Bryce if he had called his parents, and anger flashed across Bryce’s face as he said they still didn’t speak to each other, and now Keiki was ignoring their calls.

“If they’re really worried, they can come over to Boston,” Bryce scowled.

“Have things got better between you and Keiki?”

“Not really. I don’t know how to talk to her.”

“But you know how to talk to everybody! You could charm an IV stand if you tried hard enough.”

“Keiki isn’t an IV stand. She’s a snarky fifteen year old who likes to get under my skin.” He bit his thumb, then looked almost guilty. “I’m sorry, Matthew, I don’t mean to be insensitive…”

“I know, don’t worry.”

Matthew had often wondered what Casey would have been like in her teenage years, whether they would have gotten under each other’s skin.

“But Bryce…say something did happen to Keiki. Would you regret anything?”

It was a good point that made Bryce think for a minute. He was still at a bit of a loss on what to do, but eventually decided to take Keiki shopping; she hadn’t brought a huge amount of belongings, and at least the shops could distract her if the conversation went south. Then, with a little light persuasion, Matthew agreed to come along on their next day off.

****

He met them at the entrance on Wednesday morning, where Keiki greeted him cheerfully. Bryce looked apprehensive, quietly admitting that Keiki hadn’t smiled until Matthew got there.

“Don’t lose hope,” Matthew insisted as they walked past shopfronts until Keiki paused outside an edgy store with loud music and dim lights.

“Can we go in?” she asked.

Bryce looked mildly horrified at the store, but gritted his teeth and nodded.

“Today’s about shopping for you, Keiki. So if this is where you wanna shop, I’m there.”

“…Really?”

“Don’t look so shocked.”

Matthew bit back a laugh as they entered the store. Bryce was glancing around at the racks of clothing dubiously, as Keiki happily browsed the racks. Matthew had a look around too, and then uncovered a black shirt and tan leather jacket. Keiki sidled up to him.

“That looks cool. Are you gonna buy it?”

Matthew held the combo in front of his body to check in one of the mirrors dotted around the store. He had to admit, he could picture himself sporting it.”

“You know what? I think I will.”

Matthew queued to pay for it, and when he rejoined the Lahelas, Keiki was looking at a denim skirt.

“I just wear whatever Mom buys for me,” she was saying. Bryce’s eyebrows went up in surprise.

“Mom shops for you?”

“I used to go with her, but she and Dad are so strict about what I wear that I gave up. No point having an opinion if you’re gonna be dressed like a pilgrim either way.”

“That…doesn’t sound like them at all.”

“What, you don’t believe me?”

Keiki rounded on Bryce, glaring up at him. Bryce spluttered.

“I didn’t say that, I just meant—”

Keiki stomped away and Bryce groaned in exasperation.

“This is just how it’s been since she came over,” he explained to Matthew. “I try, but this happens, and we end up arguing. I don’t know what else to do!”

His fists were clenched. Matthew put a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re dealing with a kid who ran away from home. She might be acting like she’s fine but she’s clearly sensitive. Try not to say stuff that contradicts her experience.”

“This is harder than med school exams,” Bryce groaned.

“So, what would you do if she were a patient? She’s come for help but won’t say what the issue is, so we have to listen and diagnose the problem the hard way.”

“You’re the diagnostician. I’d just be putting her under anaesthesia and cutting away.” He wilted under Matthew’s look. “OK, you’re right. I’ll try again. But I think you might be a workaholic.”

Matthew rolled his eyes as he followed Bryce through the store to the jackets. She was staring at them hard, not really seeing.  Bryce hesitated before approaching slowly. Matthew kept about a foot behind, ready to back off if space was required.

“Keiki, listen,” Bryce said gently. “I didn’t mean to dismiss what you were saying or anything. It was more…I guess, I thought if Mom was picking out your clothes, she’d be dressing you more like her, not a pilgrim.”

Keiki didn’t say anything. Bryce bit his lip.

“You wanna tell me more about it?”

Keiki shrugged, twirling her hair around her finger.

“They, um, said they didn’t want me to dress too flashy. Said I would draw too much attention to myself and they didn’t want that.”

“With your clothes?”

“Everything. I have to work hard to get good grades and get into a good college but I can’t have my grades too high because I’ll make the other kids jealous. Same with my clothes. It will all make the other kids hate me more.”

“That’s insane…” Bryce’s eyes were wide.

“I guess they think they’re helping. Like, if I make myself super ordinary it will make the other kids forget who I am and they’ll just wanna be friends.”

“How’s that working out?” Matthew asked, gently.

“Awful.” Keiki pressed her lips together as she fought back tears. “All the other kids have hated me since Liliana King pushed me into the wall on the first day of fifth grade.”

“She did what?” Bryce growled.

“Why did she do that?” Matthew asked.

“Her parents had invested in our parents company just before everything blew up. They lost everything. And then she told the whole school.”

“Come on, that wasn’t your fault,” Bryce argued. “You’re not Mom and Dad, you’re a kid.”

“Do your parents know the kids are like this to you?” Matthew asked. Keiki sniffled.

“I told them but they said I just had to work harder to show the kids I’m just like them. That’s when the clothes thing started. Now I’m just the weirdly dressed kid with criminal parents that everyone hates.”

Bryce’s mouth was open and he struggled to speak. Matthew turned to him, exercising caution in case he needed to back off.

“Was it like that for you, Bryce?”

“Well…no. Actually, the opposite. I was hated in school the same way, but I never had to dress or be a certain way. Mom was so busy selling out Dad that she pretty much ignored me until he went to jail. To be honest, I mostly just felt invisible, like I was haunting the place.”

Keiki finally looked up at Bryce with a tiny smile.

“You weren’t invisible to me.”

“Did you miss Bryce when he left, Keiki?”

“Yeah. He promised he’d call every week…he lasted about three months.” She looked at Bryce, but it wasn’t accusatory. “You probably think I don’t remember you playing with me when Mom didn’t, but I do.”

Guilt flooded Bryce’s face.

“I’m so sorry. I got wrapped up in college…that’s no excuse. I should have known it would be hard for you growing up there. You just always seemed like their special little angel and I assumed you’d be OK.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not.”

Bryce opened his arms. Keiki hesitated…and then threw herself into them. Matthew turned, hiding his relieved smile.

“I’m sorry I was such a jerk when I turned up,” Keiki sniffled. “And, like, every day since.”

“No, the only jerk here is me,” Bryce said, rubbing her back. “You can stay with me as long as you need, OK? We’ll figure it out.”

“Thanks Bryce.”

When they broke apart, they had matching grins and looked more like brother and sister than ever. The relief was infectious and Matthew was grinning too when he rejoined them.

“OK, since you’re no longer staying with Mom and Dad, you no longer live by their rules, so I say I’m buying you that jacket,” Bryce said. “Did you want anything else?”

Keiki giggled as she passed Bryce a jacket – black with a faux fur-lined collar – and raced around the shop, picking out a skirt and some coloured vest tops, and a few belts.

The rest of the day passed quickly as they cruised the mall, the two boys at the mercy of Keiki’s wardrobe. She bought an array of jeans, tops and sweaters, she found new boots, a pair of trainers, and spotted some sparkly sandals at the last minute. Cosy, oversized pyjamas and light, summery pyjamas were added to the mix, then she said she needed new underwear. Matthew and Bryce waited outside the changing rooms as Keiki was fitted for a bra by a helpful assistant.

“Wanna buy some pyjamas for yourself while we’re here?” Bryce said. “You know, for the next time a prestigious doctor has to get you out of bed.”

“Hey, if you’re going to interrupt me on my day off, that’s your problem,” Matthew retorted, cringing at the memory. “Besides, I don’t think this shop’s really my style.”

“I don’t know, those light blue silk shorts might look good on you…”

“Do you want me to take my money back, Lahela?”

“No, no, you’re good!”

At that moment, Keiki came trotting over with her selected purchases and Bryce took them to the counter. The girls had been right; bras were expensive.

“Bryce, can I look in the bookstore? All you have in the apartment is medical books.”

“Wait, you read my textbooks?”

“I tried.”

Bryce laughed and handed Keiki thirty dollars.

“Pretty sure I’m morally obligated to let you buy books. We’ll be on the bench when you’re done, OK?”

Keiki walked into the bookstore and Bryce and Matthew collapsed onto the nearby bench, spreading the bags around their feet.

“I’m exhausted,” Bryce groaned.

“Does this count as softball endurance training?”

“It does now.”

They chuckled, and then Matthew sat upright.

“I’m pretty hungry though, if you want to hit the food court?”

“Oh, alright…”

Bryce texted Keiki the change of plan, then hauled himself up and re-gathered the bags.

Matthew bought large burgers and fries for the two of them and they sat in silence for a few minutes as they ate.

“You know…” Bryce said. “I’m glad she came to me. If things are that bad, then it’s good for her to get away.”

“Agreed,” Matthew nodded. He smiled. “I knew you’d be a good brother.”

“Couldn’t have done it without you.” Bryce grinned back as he dipped a fry into ketchup. “Thanks for coming along. I hope it’s not been too unbearable.”

“It’s been alright actually. Better than my original plans.”

“What was that?”

“Catching up on laundry.”

“Hey guys!”

Keiki appeared and sat at the table beside Bryce, showing off three sizeable books. “Check it out! There was a sale!”

Matthew read the titles: Perfect, Boyfriend Material, and It.

“Quite the selection there,” he nodded.

“When did you become such a nerd?”

“Keep talking and I won’t let you borrow them when I’m done.”

Keiki swiped some fries off Bryce’s tray as Bryce pulled a lock of her hair. It was as if they had never been apart.

Upon his arrival back home, Matthew ignored his stack of dishes by the sink, the piles of laundry he had accumulated, and the fact that his fridge shelf was almost empty, and went straight for the chinchilla.

“Hey Spooky, I missed you today!”

Spooky hopped over to greet him, whiskers atwitch, and Matthew scooped her up, nuzzling her fur. He loved chinchillas.

“Talking to the gerbil again, Dr Doolittle?”

Aurora had just come out of her room.

“Excuse you, Spooky is much fancier than a gerbil,” he said, primly, then noticed her rumpled clothes and how she was rubbing her eyes. “Are you OK? You look tired?”

“Oh, I just…er…”

Matthew suddenly realised: she was at Mass Kenmore working on Stephanie’s case.

“It’s OK,” he said. “It’s not your fault. It’s between Tobias and Ethan, remember?”

Aurora looked immensely relieved.

“I’m still allowed to cream you at the softball game, right?”

“You’re allowed to try.”

And they both burst into laughter.

****

Matthew thought that the next night he would go straight home and have an early night, but as he crossed the staff car park he heard several thwacks followed by what sounded like Elijah: “How do you hit it every time?!” He investigated and found Elijah, Bryce and Rafael practising softball. Rafael held a bat.

“Hey, Matthew!” he said, lighting up.

“Hey,” Matthew nodded. “You guys practising for the game?”

“That’s right,” Elijah said. “Get over here and replace Rafael. He’s too good.”

“Have you joined the team as well, Raf?”

“I can’t play for a team I don’t currently work for,” Rafael said, shaking his head.

“I bet Naveen would be willing to bend the rules. He pretends to be neutral but we know he wants Edenbrook to win as much as we do.”

“Thanks Bryce, but I don’t want to make my supervisor any more annoyed. I’m more than happy to just throw a ball around with my friends.”

“Such a waste,” Elijah sighed as he passed Matthew a catcher’s mitt. “Here, Matthew, you need to practice with us.”

“Says who?”

“Says the guy who lives with you and knows that you haven’t played softball in at least a year.”

The other two laughed and Bryce tossed the ball towards Matthew. It bounced in the mitt…and then bounced out again.

“I almost had it!”

“See? He’ll get there.” Rafael was only lightly teasing; he wasn’t wrong when he said he was happy tossing the ball with his friends. Matthew couldn’t let him down.

Elijah suggested a game of catch to warm up and the four of them spread out in a large diamond shape. The smell of leather and the sound of the ball in the mitt was satisfying, though you didn’t hear much of it between Elijah crowing about Rafael’s batting skills.

“Did you play on a team when you were younger?” Matthew asked, realising he hadn’t ever got round to asking about Rafael’s school life; he didn’t particularly care for his own.

“I was on the baseball and soccer teams in high school. We won a lot.” Rafael spoke casually, like it was no big deal. Bryce laughed.

“Raf Aveiro, jock with a heart of gold. I can see that.”

Rafael mumbled something as he tossed the ball to Matthew.

“Oh my god, you were a jock weren’t you?” he said, catching it easily.

“…Maybe.”

“Dude, why are you so embarrassed?”

“Because it’s embarrassing,” Rafael groaned. “Everyone tried to get in with me because I was big and tall and good at sports. Even my teachers kissed my butt. I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to earn my place, not just coast for it. I wanted more for myself and my community than anyone expected of me.”

“And on that day, Superman decided to use his powers for good,” Elijah said, deepening his voice like a movie narrator to make Rafael laugh.

“What an origin story,” Matthew said, softly. Of course Rafael would want to work hard for the greater good. His selflessness shouldn’t have come a surprise, but it did. Matthew wished he’d asked about it when they were together, he’d wanted so much more than what time had allowed him.

Elijah, oblivious to Matthew’s whimsy, was talking about his school days.

“I was catcher on my junior league team, but my high school coach wouldn’t even let me try out.”

“That’s not cool!”

“Tell me about it! The kid they let in wasn’t even half as good as I was. Some people just can’t see past the chair.” In his indignation, Elijah tossed the ball a little too hard to Bryce – who just about caught it – before turning back to Rafael with a grin. “Jokes on them. I was king of the chess club, president of the fantasy baseball club, and I’m about to lead Edenbrook to win against Mass Kenmore!”

Rafael laughed appreciatively. “What were you like in high school, Bryce?”

“Delightful.” But none of them missed the shadow that passed across his face.

“Were you having issues with your parents at the time?” Elijah asked. Bryce nodded.

“To be fair, I’ve always had issues with my parents, even before the news broke. But yeah. I was not the school favourite, even amongst teachers. Still, I had already decided I would be a surgeon and study on the mainland, so I didn’t care what the Hawaiians thought. Lucky for me, I aced classes without trying too hard so I spent most of my time surfing!”

The group laughed again, and the shadow had gone when they asked Matthew about his school life.

“I don’t actually remember much of high school,” Matthew admitted. “My sister died, my parents divorced, I had just moved with my mom, and studying was the only way I could stop thinking too deeply about the bad stuff, especially to get to med school. So I became a huge nerd.”

“It’s paying off now though,” Elijah pointed out. Rafael was looking a little sad for him, but Matthew shook that off. Elijah was right; the present was good enough.

Once warmed up, they re-started their practice. Elijah taught them a drop-pitch: a clever throw that, more often than not, would strike out the batter. Matthew took the ball, lining his fingers up with the stitching. He prepared the pitch as normal, until the very last second when he snapped his wrist back, which sent the ball arcing downward. Rafael swung…and missed.

“Woah!”

“Strike!” Elijah howled, punching the air.

“Don’t look so shocked,” Matthew teased Rafael, who laughed in delight and passed him the bat. Matthew took it, but his batting skills were even rustier, and he could only send Elijah’s fastball a few feet away.

“Let me give you some tips,” Rafael offered, walking over to Matthew, indicating the bat. “May I?” he added, quietly, and Matthew nodded. He hated the rush of his blood as Rafael’s warm hands adjusted his grip on the bat.

“Hold with your fingertips, not your palm, to give you better control…keep your elbows down…shoulders nice and relaxed. When the ball comes at you, swing hard.”

Matthew nodded, took a deep breath, and refocused on the ball in Elijah’s hand. Bryce counted down, Elijah pitched, Matthew swung…and sent the ball streaking across the empty car park.

“That’s how it’s done!” Bryce crowed, high-fiving Matthew exuberantly as Rafael retrieved the ball.

“OK!” Elijah announced. “Matthew and I will practice batting for a while longer, Raf and Bryce are on pitching, then we switch over. No one leaves until we can all bat like Raf.”

The evening training was fun, and when Saturday dawned, Matthew found he was really looking forward to the game, but they almost had a disaster when Bryce reported that one of their stronger teammates had accidentally wheeled a gurney over his foot and had to back out.

“Do you think Jackie will do it if I did her laundry for the month?”

“No.”

“Have you tried Dr Ramsey?”

Bryce and Elijah looked at Matthew, then at each other.

“Worth a shot, I think,” Elijah said. “But how will we get him to agree?”

“…Tell him Tobias is playing.”

****

An hour later, the three of them walked to the baseball pitch with Ethan trailing reluctantly. They were all kitted out in sky blue baseball shirts with the word ‘Edenbrook’ written across the front in white letters. The Mass Kenmore uniform was orange.

The park was buzzing with doctors from both hospitals – everyone except the interns – and a large barbeque tent stood in the corner. Ethan excused himself to speak to Naveen, and as soon as he was gone, Elijah turned to Matthew with a grin.

“Talking him into joining the team was the best idea you’ve ever had!”

“You look like such a dork,” Jackie snorted to Bryce, who had his baseball cap on backwards and also sported a pair of sunglasses.

“It’s such a shame Kyra wasn’t feeling up to coming out today.”

“I’m going to give her a call after the game. I’m getting worried about her.”

“Well, Ethan’s certainly the last person I expected to see here tonight,” said a loud voice, and they turned to see Tobias Carrick, kitted out in bright orange. Aurora stood behind him, rolling her eyes. “That will make the victory much sweeter.”

“Settle, it’s just a game,” Matthew warned. “And I’m of the wacky opinion that games should be fun.”

“Trust me, I’m having fun,” Tobias laughed. “See you on the field. C’mon Emery.”

“Sorry about that,” Aurora muttered to her friends as she followed Tobias the Mass Kenmore side of the stands. Jackie decided she was going to get some drinks, Bryce got a text that Keiki was in a cab and went to meet her in the parking lot, and Matthew and Elijah decided to check out the barbeque.

He enjoyed the excited buzz in the air, and the smell of smoke coming off the grill, when he noticed Elijah’s face falling.

“What’s up Elijah?”

“…Raf brought Sora.”

Matthew’s heart sank as he cautiously peeked over his shoulder to see Rafael standing several feet away, chatting with Sienna and Danny, a black-haired, stocky young man at his side. He cursed. During the last few months of slowly rebuilding a friendship with Rafael, he had somehow managed to forget the reality of seeing someone else holding the hand of his ex-boyfriend. Last night’s practice session had been fun, almost like the old days before Matthew even knew Sora existed. How could he have been so stupid?

Before he could react to anything else, there was a cough from behind them and a voice said “Hey Elijah…Matthew.”

They turned. Landry Olsen stood in front of them, twisting his fingers nervously. Still curly-haired. Still small and thin. And still automatically putting Matthew on the defensive as he remembered how Landry had stabbed him in the back for the chance to further his own career.

“Hey Judas,” Elijah said, sharply. Landry winced. Matthew looked at his orange uniform.

“You’re playing today, then?” he asked, curtly. Landry nodded.

“I got into it after the baseball game we went to last summer, and then Mass Kenmore had some casual teams. It was a good way to make friends.” He had a small smile on his face that made Matthew burn with irritation. He had almost lost his job and had to fight tooth and nail to keep it, and even now a few older doctors at Edenbrook didn’t fully trust him, but Landry got to start over as if none of it ever happened. Because to him, it hadn’t.

Maybe it was because he’d just seen Sora, but Matthew was not interested in playing nice.

“Do your new friends know to watch their backs around you?” he snarled. Landry flinched. Elijah gave him a sidelong glance.

“OK, I deserve that,” Landry sighed. Matthew wondered what else he’d expected.

“You deserve a hell of a lot more than that, Landry,” Elijah warned. Landry took the hint and left. Elijah watched him go, shaking his head.

“He still doesn’t think he did anything wrong, does he?”

“Landry and Sora at once,” Matthew groaned, scruffing his hair.

“You gonna be OK?”

Matthew frowned over the baseball pitch and narrowed his eyes.

“You know what? We’re here to beat Mass Kenmore and that’s what we’re gonna do. I’ll…worry about Sora later.”

“You got it,” Elijah grinned.

They joined up with their friends, Matthew stood at the edge of the group, away from Rafael and Sora. Jackie caught his eye; she didn’t seem too pleased at the development either. Their discomfort seemed to go unnoticed as Rafael and Sora were talking to Sienna and Danny, and then everyone was distracted when Bryce brought Keiki over to meet everyone. It was the first time meeting her: now that Keiki was going to stay for a while, Bryce had decided she may as well be integrated.

“You two look alike,” Elijah noted.

“Don’t be rude to Keiki.” Jackie couldn’t resist a jab at Bryce when the opportunity presented itself.

“I didn’t think we looked that similar…”

“Well, it’s not like you’re identical, just a family resemblance,” Sienna reasoned.

“You guys wish you all looked like me,” Bryce said, flicking his hair back and the group laughed.

“So is this your first time visiting Boston?” Sora asked Keiki. She nodded, a little cautiously.

“How are you liking the city? I left when I was eighteen until I moved back in April.”

“Oh, um…” Kieki relaxed, realising Sora wasn’t about to ask about her family. “Yeah, Bryce hasn’t had much of a chance to show me around, but it’s pretty cool. And I’m weirdly excited to experience the winter weather.”

Sora laughed. “Wait until it’s minus five outside and you’re in an unheated classroom!”

“Attention, ladies and gentlemen!” Naveen announced through a megaphone. “Please take your places as the thirteenth annual crosstown game is about to begin!”

He threw out the ceremonial first pitch and the crowd cheered.

“Good luck guys!” Danny said. He took Sienna’s hand and she blushed slightly.

“We’ll be cheering for you,” Rafael said.

“But only if you win!” Jackie added. “Keiki, wanna sit with me?”

“Sure,” Keiki grinned as she went with Jackie, following the couples up the steps into the bleachers. Matthew, Elijah and Bryce headed for the diamond. Beat Mass Kenmore, beat Mass Kenmore Matthew chanted in his head.

“Ready for this, Ethan?” Carrick taunted.

“Obviously,” was Ethan’s smooth reply.

Kenmore was batting first, and Tobias was stretching his fingers in determination. Elijah was at back-stop, Bryce was fielding – backward cap and sunglasses still on. Matthew took up the third base. The sky was clear, but it was starting to get chilly and he bounced around on the spot.

“We got this, Matthew!” Bryce said as he passed.

“Hell yeah, we do.”

The players were readying themselves in various positions, hopping around on the spot and stretching as the crowd buzzed. The only exception was Ethan, who stood in the outfield with crossed arms, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.

The Edenbrook pitcher – a curly haired resident – glared at Tobias as he wound up a fast ball and fired it to him. Tobias swung, sending the ball hurtling through the air. Mass Kenmore cheered, but then Edenbrook drowned them out when Bryce ran forward and jumped for the ball, catching it with ease.

“Go on, Bryce!” Keiki screamed.

“Nice work, Meathead!” That was from Jackie.

Aurora stood up to bat, frowning in concentration. Matthew didn’t actually know about Aurora’s sporting ability, until she hit the ball with a loud crack. She charged around the diamond, egged on by her teammates. Matthew watched the ball as Ethan caught it and flung it towards him. He lunged, one foot on the base, and snagged the ball just as Aurora slid in to the base. The umpire called her out.

“Crap!” she gasped, getting to her feet and dusting herself off. “You got me, Matthew.”

Matthew couldn’t help grinning.

“Hell of a catch,” Ethan added, wiping sweat off his brow.

“Nice!” That was Rafael’s voice rising over the crowd, which would have been great if Sora’s voice hadn’t followed. Still, the next batter was stepping up and Matthew was too exhilarated now.

Kenmore put up a good fight, but Edenbrook matched easily. Striking out Tobias with a drop pitch would always be one of Matthew’s proudest moments. Take Me Out to the Ball Game rose up from the Edenbrook stands, only to be answered with Kenmore’s louder version.

The teams were neck-and-neck when the umpire called a ten minute break. Bryce, Elijah and Aurora crossed over to the Edenbrook stands to chat with their friends, Matthew decided to grab a bottle of water. Tobias caught up with him.

“Keeping your head in the game, huh?” he said, indicating Matthew’s water bottle and the nearby ice bucket of beers.

“Can’t get too cocky,” Matthew said, coldly.

There was something wolfish in Tobias’s grin as he swigged his own water.

“By the way, I hope there are no hard feelings about Stephanie Hill transferring her treatment to Mass Kenmore.” His face was neither remorseful, nor looking for forgiveness.

“Of course there are hard feelings. You stole my patient.”

“Patients are fair game, Valentine. You should have tried harder to keep her,” Tobias said, with an infuriating smirk.

That was a low blow. Matthew had done everything he could to keep Stephanie, she wouldn’t have even gone ahead with the study if he hadn’t convinced her. Then Tobias had just swooped in without batting an eyelid.

“Patient care isn’t a game, Carrick.”

“Of course not, everything we do has life or death stakes. Now it’s the same for hospitals. That doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun doing it.”

Matthew hoped he would never become the kind of doctor who would consider messing around with patient cases as ‘fun’. He clenched his fist and took another swig of water.

“You’d better be treating Stephanie right,” he muttered.

“Oh, we are. Better than you would have, no doubt,” Tobias smirked.

Matthew turned away, scanning the crowd for his friends.

“The second Aurora told me about your little research study, I just had to meet her.”

Matthew froze.

“…Aurora told you about her?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, he stormed over to where his roommates were gathered. He’d been stressing over this for weeks, and it was apparently caused by a friend. The thought of it made him feel ill. Another friend going behind his back.

“Hey, Aurora!”

Jackie went on alert as soon as she saw his face.

“Matthew, cool your jets…”

“What?” Aurora asked in surprise. Meanwhile Bryce put a hand protectively on Keiki’s shoulder, and they kept back with Rafael and Sora.

“Why is Tobias saying that you’re the one who told him about Stephanie Hill?”

“What?! It’s not what you think!” Aurora said.

Matthew was aware people were watching, from both sides of the game. Landry lingered on the edge of Matthew’s vision, and for a second he was back in the Edenbrook locker room facing him down.

“What is it then?” He growled. Aurora took a step back.

“I just wanted to pitch him on going after research grants for Kenmore patients! I didn’t think he’d just steal yours!”

“Please don’t fight, you guys…” Sienna groaned.

“Don’t you think you should have known better?” Matthew ignored Sienna. “I’ve only met the man three times and I could have told you he’d react that way.”

“That’s not fair,” Aurora snapped back, stepping closer again.

“Matthew, she didn’t do anything wrong,” Elijah cautioned, but Jackie’s face had gone calculating.

“I don’t know, Matthew’s got a point. Telling a known competitive asshole about his rivals big win was either really calculating or really stupid.”

“You’re calling me stupid, are you?” Aurora turned to Jackie, but before it could escalate any further, a Mass Kenmore doctor came storming over.

“What’s going on here?” The doctor demanded. He had a small topknot that bounced around on top of his head and looked just slightly ridiculous.

Matthew only now noticed the large circle of doctors that had been drawn in by the argument, including all the players and most of the Edenbrook supporters, and he was sure a large number of Kenmore supporters would be pointing and watching.

“Nothing’s going on,” he said, fooling no one. “Everyone chill out.”

No one chilled out. The Mass Kenmore doctor continued scowling at him.

“Step away from my residents, Terrance,” Ethan said, approaching them. He had a sharp edge to his voice, the kind that instantly snapped the interns to attention.

“Or what, Ramsey?” Terrance taunted. “I’m not some pharma exec you can just slug in the face.”

“Just give me one excuse.”

People came closer, and now the players were looking at each other with distrust. Spectators started heckling and jeering. Rafael and Sora gently led Keiki away from the conflict and back to their seats as the whistle blew to restart the game.

The sun was going down, along with the mood. The cheeriness and friendly rivalry of the first several innings was dead. Both teams were now intensely focused on winning.

“Go, Newman!” Bryce roared at a fellow surgeon, who was panting as he ran between bases. “Dammit, run like you mean it!”

Tobias’s motivational speech consisted of ‘we can’t afford any screw-ups’ but it seemed to work, as they were up two runs by the bottom of the last inning. One more out from Edenbrook and they had the game. Ethan advanced to second base, then Matthew was up to bat.

A few months ago he probably would have hated this. All the pressure and focus on him, with the looming anxiety of the potential failure if he didn’t make it. But now he was so determined to get one up on Kenmore that he wasn’t even afraid.

“Stay focused, Valentine,” Ethan muttered.

“Keep us alive!” Bryce grinned.

“You can do it, Matthew!” Rafael called out to him.

Matthew tightened his grip on the bat.

Meanwhile, in the bleachers, Jackie’s hand had clamped on Sienna’s shoulder.

“If he misses now, he’s out of the apartment.”

“You can’t do that!”

“Annihilate them!” That sounded suspiciously like Ines, of all people.

Matthew scowled across at Tobias who smirked gleefully as he turned the ball in his fingers before flinging it at Matthew.

Matthew swung with all his might. The bat cracked against the ball, sending it sailing into the evening sky, arcing higher and further. Landry stumbled backwards as he tried to follow it, but he couldn’t jump high enough, and then the ball streaked over the fence in a home run. The umpire blew her whistle and delightfully declared Edenbrook the winners. The bleachers exploded.

Matthew casually tossed the bat, just to wind up Tobias a little more, and jogged around the bases, high-fiving his teammates and the Edenbrook doctors at the front of the stands.

“Walk-off three run homer, are you serious?” Bryce howled, tackling Matthew into a victory hug, ruffling his hair. “Matthew, you’re gonna be on local sports news tonight!”

“Matthew, you did it!” Rafael called from his seat, looking positively thrilled.

“Couldn’t have done it without you!” Matthew called back, just before he remembered Sora was right beside Rafael.

Edenbrook doctors were running over to congratulate him. His hand stung with what felt like millions of high-fives by the time his friends reached him and swamped him in a group hug. Even Keiki joined in, rewarding Bryce with a jump onto his back.

“You were incredible!” Rafael said to Matthew. Matthew just nodded and smiled; Sora was hanging around on the edge of the group.

“This calls for a celebration!” Bryce said. “Anyone hungry?”

“Donahue’s has food.”

“I can’t take Keiki to a bar.”

“But if the bartenders don’t know—”

“Keiki, please, give me some credit.”

“There’s a diner nearby that me and Raf used to hang out at,” Sora suggested. “Is Aurora coming too?”

Matthew pretended his shoe lace was untied, letting the group move on ahead. He had no interest in watching Rafael and Sora sitting across from each other in their old hang-out. And if Aurora was going to be there…he didn’t want to deal with any of it right now.

“I hope that was worth it.”

Matthew sighed, and stood up. Ethan was looking at him with a raised eyebrow. He had already taken off his baseball uniform, revealing the white Henley underneath.

“Probably not. I thought a fair game would make me feel better, but it just seemed to make me angrier.”

“Mm-hmm. And this is why I am averse to the idea that sports are a substitute for therapy.”

Matthew glanced up at Ethan.

“I’ve wasted my only sports-related favour, haven’t I?”

“Correct.”

Matthew smiled weakly, but it didn’t stick as he looked over at his retreating friends. He was glad Edenbrook had won, but now the initial rush of victory was starting to wear off, he still felt angry at Tobias, slightly ashamed of himself for fighting with Aurora, and not in the mood for celebrating with anyone.

“Got any plans for tonight?” He asked Ethan.

“Actually, uh, my father’s on his way over from Providence.”

“Have you come to a solution about the situation with your mother?”

“I expect that’s why he’s coming over. He’s not giving me much choice in the matter, regardless.” Ethan narrowed his eyes. Matthew couldn’t help feeling slightly amused at the idea that Dr Ramsey – a thirty-seven-year-old doctor who terrorised young interns and residents – still had to obey his father’s rules from time to time. You never grew out of being someone’s child.

“It might be good for the both of you to talk it out.”

“Perhaps,” Ethan looked thoughtful as he walked away. “Have a good night, Matthew.”

Matthew arrived home to an empty apartment, after walking the long way home. He showered and changed into pyjamas, and his only company that evening was the chinchilla. He set up her dust bath and she rolled around happily for twenty minutes, then he set up a play pen filled with tunnels and chew toys. He watched her roam and wished he could be a chinchilla too. It would be nice to not have to worry about anything except food.

The key in the lock made him jump, and Aurora entered the apartment. A box of takeout was in her hands and she paused for a second, then shut the door and turned to face him, expectantly. She wasn’t going to be the one to start the conversation.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” Matthew mumbled. It sounded pathetic and forced, even to him.

“Funny, I seem to remember you insisting that the problem was between Tobias and Ethan, not us. You took Tobias’s word over mine. I thought you trusted me.”

“I…” Matthew’s voice trailed off. He did trust Aurora, but that didn’t matter right now. It didn’t matter how stressed he had been, he had once again let other people twist his view on Aurora.

She looked at him unhappily. There wasn’t even anger in her face, just sadness and disappointment. Somehow, that felt worse.

“I thought you were better than that, Matthew. I’ve met so many mediocre doctors who seem to think they’re the shit and I’m only famous because of my family name. It doesn’t matter how hard I study, or how many hours I put in, they are completely convinced I haven’t earned it whilst they just get to coast along. And last year, I started to think that you might be better than that. Guess I was wrong, huh?”

An awkward silence fell. There was nothing he could say to that.

Aurora shoulders slumped. She was blinking a lot.

“I’ve been stressing over what to say to you since I left the game, but I can’t even look at you right now.”

She stormed into her room and slammed the door. Matthew hung his head and turned back to the chinchilla. Everything was going wrong, and it was his own fault.

He got up early again the next morning, and left before everyone else again. Edenbrook was still in a good mood and doctors still congratulated him as he walked through the corridors. That was, until he emerged from a patient’s room to be bowled over by Jackie.

“Matthew!”

“Wha—”

“No time, there’s an emergency. Come with me!”

She grabbed his wrist and ran with him down the corridor before he could say anything else. His brain whirred, picturing  major traffic accidents or a building collapse, but then Jackie yanked him away from the direction of the ER and into the admin department where a loud, wet cough could be heard.

Kyra was on her knees in her office, hacking into a blood-soaked handkerchief. Matthew went completely numb.

Jackie had hidden her fear behind a mask of calm professionalism as she asked Kyra about her symptoms and whether anything had gotten worse. Tears shone in Kyra’s eyes, but she was coughing too much to really answer.

“She was having chest pains in the bar the other night,” Matthew filled in. His voice sounded like it belonged to someone else.

“Have they become more frequent?”

Kyra nodded weakly, and Jackie went to call for a stretcher. Matthew knelt beside Kyra, rubbing her back.

“I don’t understand,” he said, hoarsely. “You told me your treatments were working.”

Kyra trembled. She took the bloodied handkerchief away from her mouth just long enough to whisper: “I just said…it would be over soon.”

Tags: @sazanes @rafasgirl23415 @ceruleansnake0

[writingwhimsey]

How Does A Good Girl Go to Hell? -Ch. 5

Chapter 5

Lucifer took a deep breath, looking down at the cup of coffee he held in his hands. “I was always different from the other angels, “ he began, “Sera…she was the one who delivered the rules to everyone. Stating what was and was not allowed in Heaven. Expectations were set, how the world was to be created was set…everyone had a role to fill and we weren’t to question it.”

“But you had questions?” I asked.

Lucifer shook his head. “No, I had dreams.” He explained. “I had ideas on what the world could be if only mankind were given the choice. Heaven didn’t agree with me…but then the first woman Lilith did. Or at least… she didn’t want to play the role she had been given.”

I blinked in confusion. “Lilith…I had always been taught Eve was the first woman…”

Lucifer’s face seemed to darken. “Of course, they would try to erase her.” He said, his hand clenching into a fist. “Lilith was Adam’s first wife. But she rejected the role she had been given… and then she and I…we fell in love. Together she and I decided to go to Eve, Adam’s second wife and offer her the apple from the tree of knowledge…so that she had a choice…it was through that final act that free will was given to mankind…and Hell was created. Lilith and I cast into the pit.”

“I see…so…is Lilith…Charlie’s mom?” I asked.

Lucifer nodded. “Yes…I hate to admit it…but I gave up a long time ago. I…I felt guilty for what I had done…and then seeing nothing but pain and suffering…but Lilith didn’t give up…though I think she gave up on me…she left some years ago. I still don’t know where she is…”

“What about this hotel?” I asked.

“All Charlie’s idea.” Lucifer answered, a fond smile coming to his face. “She… she’s a true dreamer who never gives up.”

“Sounds like…maybe she helped you become a dreamer again.” I remarked.

Lucifer smiled. “Yeah…of course if Heaven hadn’t come for her, I…I don’t know if I would have gotten involved.”

“What…what do you mean by that? Heaven coming for her, I mean.”

“Oh…no one has explained it to you yet huh?” Lucifer asked.

“Explained what?”

“Charlie started this hotel because…every year Heaven was sending an army down to exterminate sinners because Hell was getting too crowded.��� Lucifer explained. “So, Charlie thought the better solution was to redeem sinners so they could get into Heaven.” He then went on to explain how Heaven moved the extermination up and ended up having a battle with Charlie and everyone at the hotel.

By the time he had finished his explanation I was slumping in my seat in disbelief. “Everything… that… that all sounds so…so backwards from what I was taught.” I couldn’t believe it. It made no sense. Everything being taught on earth…it was a lie. “This…this make EVERY religion on earth wrong.”

“Ariel…are you okay?” Lucifer asked.

“Just…having an existential crisis over here.” I replied. “I mean…what you just explained to me… those angels sound bloodthirsty and downright evil.”

Lucifer’s hand came to my shoulder in an attempt at a comforting gesture. “Look, I don’t know all the rules or if redemption is possible…but I also see what Charlie has done here. I’ve seen the progress everyone here has made…and I can’t think that this is a good place.”

“I…I’m not questioning that.” I replied. “Just…everything else. I mean…everyone I’ve met here isn’t what I expected…I mean I haven’t been out and about in Hell much, but for the most part it… it really seems like most of the people are good people. Maybe they just made a few bad decisions…and YOU…you’re not evil at all.”

Lucifer blinked as he looked at me. “You… you don’t hate me? I’m the reason this place exists…I mean if I had never given mankind free will…”

“But…there’s so much good that comes from that free will.” I replied. “I mean…yes some people make some bad choices…REALLY bad choices, but there’s people who make a good choices, too. It means when someone makes the choice to help another person, it’s because it was their choice and not because they were forced to. When they make the right choice…it makes it that much more beautiful.”

Lucifer blinked at me in confusion. “You…you really see it that way?” He asked.

I nodded. “Yes. I mean people make the choice be doctors, firefighters, paramedics…people who make it their life’s mission to help others. And knowing that it’s their choice, makes it all the more special.”I said. “So…thank you for making sure we got free will.”

Lucifer’s eyes went wide. “You…you’re thanking me?”

I nodded. “Yes…I know I came here with…a preconceived notion of what you were like and seeming like the last person to thank you…but I mean it…and I am sorry for thinking you were so horrible.”

Lucifer seemed stunned for a moment. “I…I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” I replied. “I…I’m just coming to some realizations while learning the truth.”

“I just…I never expected anyone to thank me…especially after ending up here in Hell.” Lucifer replied with an awkward laugh.

“Honestly…I’m just as surprised as you.” I replied. “But…how can I not think of all of this after learning that everything I was taught in my life was wrong? I mean, I didn’t know anything about Lilith…or the other angels…I mean what I was taught about creation and what it takes to get into Heaven…I mean most everything I’ve learned…it’s not even taught in ANY religion on Earth.”

“Well…at least you seem to be in better spirits than you were when you arrived.” He said.

After that we sat silently for a while, sipping our coffee. “Thank you…for the coffee and the talk.” I said after I finished my coffee. 

Lucifer nodded. “Any time.” He replied. “I… I’m happy to answer any of your questions any time.”

I nodded. “Thanks.” I replied. “I’d better go find Angel and Husk. I think they were expecting me to hang out.”

“Sure.” Lucifer replied. “Let me walk you out.”

“Okay.”

Lucifer walked me to the door and I headed off to find Angel and Husk.

Lucifer…

After seeing Ariel off, Lucifer walked back over to the couch and sat down. “I…I still never expected anyone to thank me.” He muttered to himself.

He’d spent practically all of eternity at this point, feeling guilty for introducing free will to humans. Yet Ariel showed up, frightened and shocked…and now she thanked him. He had to admit, she did have a point. Especially after the way she came in so scared.

There was a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach. Ariel thanking him was so unexpected. If someone who had come to Hell thinking Lucifer and everyone here was truly evil…could sit aside everything she’d been taught and THANK the one who created Hell… then maybe… maybe Lucifer could forgive himself. 

[vihola]

Rank your characters from least to most likely to survive a horror movie. Show your work (offer explanations). Happy Spooky Month!

(hope you’re doing as well as you can. Slava Ukraini!)

Let's rank their survival chances on a scale from 0 to 5

0/5: Morri

Morri can survive only as long as they can outrun the threat. They have their redeeming qualities, but they’re a coward and a fool (affectionate). And the horrors are likely to target them on purpose because of their constant jokes and silly comments that ruin the spooky atmosphere. 

Morri in a haunted mansion: Well, you know what they say about ghosts and their problems, right? Ghosts: … Morri: They always come back to haunt you! *Morri is immediately killed*

1/5: Xala

Xala can actually outlive everyone, strong and capable as she is, but the temptation to heroically sacrifice herself is too great. She is more dramatic than she’s willing to admit. Where other people see a problem, she sees an opportunity for an over-the-top solution that will leave everyone crying and shaking. So basically: 

Xala: I can’t believe I’m going to die to save you all Relu: You don’t have to– Xala: No, I’m gonna

2/5: Relu

Relu’s first instinct would be to reason with the horrors, but the horrors aren’t known for being reasonable. His only saving grace is that he can withstand immense pressure and stress. When others are panicking and making stupid mistakes, he keeps his cool. But you can also expect the plot twist in which he becomes the next big evil, so watch out. He’s not as normal as he seems.

3/5: Liran

Liran is smart, Liran is a survivor, but he’s not above doing something that goes against his self-preservation instinct. After all, he almost got executed for deliberate insubordination while knowing all too well that the Empire never forgives. And while he very much wants to live, he doesn’t see himself as particularly important – always a cog in the machine, never someone worth saving. 

4/5: Merkara

She’d be having the time of her life. She vibes with the horror atmosphere, she adores everything macabre, she has lots of experience dealing with hostile supernatural entities. Is she likely to become cursed/possessed/haunted? Very much so. But don’t worry about Merkara – pity the horrors. Even if she dies, she has the habit of not staying dead.

5/5: Ateitis

Ateitis is immune to any horrors because she can be scarier than them. If I were the big evil with Ateitis as my victim, she would make me have an existential crisis and a mental breakdown within an hour. I would just leave at the start or find someone else to terrorize, it's safer this way.

[alexstorm]

Yeah, but they tried so hard to portray this closeness. Wouldn't it be better to say something neutral instead of going with this "happy family" narrative that no one believes in? I understand that no one would say that Alex is unhappy and having an existential crisis, but then don't say utterly opposite shit either.

What kind of friendship is that anyway when you don't talk about your feelings and don't have deep conversations? I'm sure Alex talks to Miles about all of this. Matt wouldn't understand anyway with his lack of emotional intelligence. Besides, true friends always feel when something wrong is with you. //

No it wouldn’t? People always do that in order to make up for the fact that something isn’t there. It’s like Louise constantly pointing out her love for Alex and her wonderful friendship with the other WAGs. If something is real you would be more neutral and not over the top because you have nothing to prove. And I’m sure a lot of the naive or younger fans do believe it. Well, everyone wants to present themselves in the best way possible and by saying the opposite they can try to prevent the possibility of the thought even occurring to people maybe. Toxic positivity anyone? lol

It’s the kind of friendship a lot of men have. Especially that generation, I mean they’re millennials. Gen Z might be a bit better in that regard but they’re still men. It’s the way boys and girls are raised differently and the expectations and norms that are put on them. It’s very difficult for guys to talk about their emotions. Or even be in touch with them. A lot of the time they just think it’s stupid or embarrassing. Like they’re not “real men”. Also, friendships can serve different purposes. You can have friends for deep talks and you can have friends who you can go out and have fun with. But I agree with the emotional intelligence thing. Matt has lived in LA for ten years now and that city is shallow as fuck. And that’s also the vibe I’m getting from Mattanda (as mod likes to call them lmao). That might be a reason too. That Alex doesn’t really care for Amanda and he fears Matt would talk to her about the stuff Alex tells him. Then again, some people don’t really pick up vibes or can look behind the façade and see what’s really going on. Because for that you have to be aware, emotionally mature and in touch with your own emotions in order to understand other peoples. And even if they do, sometimes people are selfish and can’t be bothered to ask. I can also imagine that when they actually do see each other they might not want to ruin the mood by talking about their struggles but just have a good time like in the old days.

Yep, my point.

[neonponders]

I’ve been playing a lot of Dreamlight Valley, so I need to wash this out of my head:

Tangled is the same, but they go full-tilt into the more mature stuff.

For instance, Rapunzel has little to no actual social skills (relatable), but this is most prominent in how she talks really fast when she’s excited. But Gothel calls this “mumbling.”

If this was a full blown speech impediment, her interactions with Eugene would be more critical to her travel because his experience with orphans (kids with little to no access to educational aids) would make him able to understand her.

Obviously her climbing and whip abilities with her hair would make her much more lethal. Does she have any functioning understanding of death? I’m not saying she wouldn’t be able to empathize/sympathize, but maybe seeing a full roasting pig at the pub, or coming upon roadkill would send Rapunzel into an existential crisis. Seeing old people for the first time, as well, because Gothel has never aged. And hello, foreshadowing toward Eugene’s death.

Maybe singing is really hard for her with her speech impediment, which leads to the discovery that it’s not about saying the words correctly; it’s about feeling. Rapunzel is always the one singing for Gothel to get her youth juice. Maybe because Rapunzel has to love the person to send her magic their way. Gothel could never summon it because she never truly loved Rapunzel.

This could be made clear in their showdown in the tower at the end. Gothel threatens controlling Rapunzel’s hair because she believes she’s always had ownership over it. But she can’t control Rapunzel at all. They both learn that together, but it costs Eugene his life. He doesn’t fall without freeing Rapunzel of her hair once and for all, obviously.

Gothel dies, boo hoo. Bonus points if Rapunzel uses her long brown hair as a rope to catch her as she falls from the tower. Rapunzel catches her, but it’s like a noose, and Gothel’s body makes the rope of hair go taut for the briefest moments before she disintegrates into dust anyway.

But that’s only part 1 of her journey because once she’s back in her kingdom and learning how to be a real daughter to her real parents, it becomes really apparent how living in a tower, only seeing one person every so often, has shaped her. 

We’ve seen how Mother Gothel left her alone most of the time. This means she’s very good at self-soothing, which is initially really good as a princess of a kingdom, because she can be given a task and go all the way with it. She’s used to reading or painting all day, after all.

But the maids come to the kind and queen with concern because...Rapunzel sleeps a lot. Part of her ability to self-soothe, means she can fall asleep anytime, and is used to sleeping far more than the average person, waiting in her tower for Gothel to come home.

Even though she likes walking through the town and castle, Rapunzel doesn’t have social batteries. This leads to outbursts and irritability. One minute, people are astonished at how childish the princess is. The next, they marvel at how intelligent, with her ability to read fast and memorize things. And then they find her downright scary because she is alarmingly strong, can manipulate fabric and rope like magical weapons, and has no fear of heights. Eugene has been called on more than once to go fetch the princess and talk her down (physically and emotionally).

Basically people are being asses and wondering if Gothel’s legacy remains in how she raised the princess to be an unpredictable monster.

One day, the king goes to the palace roof himself to get his kid, while the queen goes to her room to examine the damage of a tantrum that had the maids fleeing the scene. The queen figures out that the maids are constantly tidying up the room - which, to Rapunzel means undoing all of her artwork and completely disrupting her work stations. Rapunzel is still learning her way through her speech impediment, but who she is stands all around the room, and the queen thinks her daughter is an incredibly creative, beautiful person. No wonder she’s pissed at the maids for messing up her stuff.

The king pets his daughter’s hand, slow and soothing strokes as he talks to her about anything and everything. They can see the lake and how it stretches its arms into rivers across their kingdom. He tells her about the stars, about where their lanterns came from, how he and her mother changed the lantern festival to mark Rapunzel’s birthday. How they changed the entire kingdom for her, waited for her. He apologizes for everyone’s immediate attempt to return to old ways.

The princess is back, after all, they could do other stuff than obsess over the lost princess. Right?

“That’s not how being a parent works,” he soothes. “Everything changes after a new star enters our world. Everything is brighter. We see new colors. Regardless of what happened to you, to us, there was never any going back. That’s what being a parent means. It’s our duty to follow your light, at your pace. We collaborate with the sun. She does not obey us.”

[strawberrykidneystone]

Mary “Bunny” Shepard

hihi everyone!!! this is my general post introducing my oc!shepard, i’m so excited to share her with yall <333 also i don’t understand how the military works and idc

tw: canon violence, blood mentioned, death, dead family (what’s new), existential crisis, skin scratching

🐇colonist and war hero background if you wanna get technical, also soldier class

🐇mary shepard grew up on a farm on mindoir. she loved working on the farm with her family, but her true love was dancing, specifically ballet. she was on track to dance professionally on earth, when slavers slaughtered everyone she knew and loved while she was in class one day. she came home to blood all over her house and all of the animals killed. her parents lay dead on the floor, her older brother nowhere to be found.

🐇anderson adopted her since she was almost already an adult, they were more like roommates until she she eventually saw him as a father figure. she enrolled in the alliance when she turned 18, she didn’t know who she was without ballet and following in anderson’s footsteps didn’t seem so bad.

🐇her nickname “bunny” is from her “hopping” around departments in the alliance. she started out training as a field nurse, marines for a while, switched to the army, then military archives, before settling down in the navy. (idc if it’s not accurate irl it is in my head‼️) an additional nickname of “twinkle toes” also popped up once people found out that she used to do ballet. during this time, she also earned her masters degree in archiving after earning her bachelors in history. in her commanders cabin, she has photos of her in ballet along with her degrees displayed proudly on the walls across from her model spaceships. pansexual and prefers she/they pronouns “but i’m at work rn so idrc”

🐇she was banned from doing hand to hand combat at the academy for a while because she kept biting people out of habit because when she would wrestle with her brother, she would always bite him. she was always a scrapper, no matter how prestigious ballet made her on the outside.

🐇 “i don’t believe in god but i do believe that he is punishing me”

🐇elysium was her first official post, having the unfortunate luck of being there during the skylilian blitz, getting flashbacks to see her parents dead on the ground as slavers, crime syndicates, and batarian warlords poured in from all sides. a boost of adrenaline helped her rally the civilians around her, fighting off the invaders with some of the worst odds that the alliance has ever seen. enemy troops broke through the defenses, shepard rushed forward and single handedly mowed them down, pushing them back from the colonists. this lasted hours, but it felt like years, shepard’s ears ringing from the constant gunfire. seeing reinforcements come in, shepard’s legs buckled and she collapsed to the ground, blacking out for 2 days. when she awoke, she was regarded as a war hero and flew through the ranks of the alliance, eventually ending up as anderson’s XO on the Normandy. the whole experience started her bad habit of saying "i like those odds" whenever mission success rates were calculated to be very low.

🐇knowing what happened with saeran and anderson, she resented becoming a specter at first, but eventually settled into the position after a deep talk with anderson convincing her to keep it. she hated taking the normandy from him even more but knew that if anyone was going to take his ship, he would want her to inherit it.

🐇 joker reminds her of her older brother. shepard reminds him of his little sister. at first, she avoids him because of this, but eventually warms up to him and treats him like her older brother, they become close best friends. they know everything about each other, the good, the bad, and the ugly. he reminds her that she was a little sister once.

🐇”i just can’t seem to die” has literally died before

🐇smokes cigarettes when particularly stressed but only when anderson isn’t around

🐇paragon mostly, but she just really likes punching people (sorry khalisah)

🐇”hair holds memories” she hasn’t cut her hair past maintenance trims since her family died. sure it’s a pain sometimes, but it helps her remember what she’s doing this for. she kept it back in a slick bun while still low ranked in the alliance but sticks with a high ponytail since getting promoted to a specter because it’s easier🤷‍♀️ braids it sometimes if she has extra time

🐇has a crisis after being brought back to life, picks up the habit of scratching her skin raw with her nails. hates that she doesn’t have her childhood scars anymore, she has nothing to remember her family by now except the face that looks back at her in the mirror. was it even hers anymore?

🐇initially flirted with kaidan in me1, but after/during me2 she got a lot closer to garrus and ended up with him xoxo<3

🐇during me3, she started to get grey hairs and shed a lot of hair from stress. she honestly liked how the silver streaks looked, it reminded her that she was still human

🐇major decisions:

-released the rachni

-didn't kill wrex (lol)

-saved the hostages and let balak go

-saved kaidan

-saved the council

-saved maelons data

-killed morinith

-activated legion

-gave tali geth data and saved her from exile

-told Eve about salarian betrayal of the krogan and didn't sabotage the cure

-pace on rannoch

-saved miranda

-tried to give the clone a chance to live

-synthesis ending

(feel free to ask about any other choices in the series <3)

piccrew:

moodboard:

[azurescaled-archived]

Summary: Elena and Connor have a small discussion

“You never talk about yourself, why is that? Do you like being the whole, ‘troubled, but cute guy with a heart of gold’? Or do you like leaving people all confused about who you really are? I mean...Most people would tell someone they’re seeing about their past, or living situation.”

Connor sighed to himself as he threw on his shirt. He had almost forgotten why he usually got the hell out of dodge in the middle of the night instead of sticking around for breakfast. He never liked dealing with the fallout of the whole, “never giving any real details” aspect of his life. It’s why he usually just hopped in his car once he got restless, and it was like a switch flipped. He never liked to get comfortable, knowing that he often had to go wherever the money lead him, or his instincts. 

“Wha’ can I say? Most people ain’t gotta deal with th’shite I have to. Not all of us own our own company ‘nd are billionaires. Why are ya bothered by wha’ th’hell m’doin’ with m’time ‘nyway? Don’ ya have someone else t’go ‘nd bother?”

A soft chuckle left his partner’s lips, as she leaned forward on the bed, resting her chin in her hands while staring at him.

“No need to get dressed so quickly, little godling. I’m quite enjoying the view, even if your ass is as flat as a board. I know that this is nothing serious, but you could always stop trying to hoof it on your own. Get in contact with Dagda...Learn how to control your magic a bit better, no?”

Elena sat up, crossing one leg over the other, and watched him stiffen. She knew the subject of his family was always a sore one.

“Nah. Haven’t done it yet, sure as shit ain’t gonna start now. ‘Sides, wha’ if I wanna go back t’Scotland someday? Pretty sure ‘ny wolf tha’ met me ‘nd smelled Fae on me would get all on their hackles or some shite. Plus, bein’ in a bit of a crowd ain’t exactly m’scene. Fer a job? Sure, it becomin’ m’life? I don’ see tha’ happenin’. Plus, I like m’lifestyle, I ain’t gotta stick ‘round, ‘nd I can jus’ pack up whenever I like.”

Connor wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince her or himself of that when he spoke. The road did get lonely, every now and then, but he never liked the idea of settling down, relying on someone else. Elena could at least sympathize with him. She remembers how long it took her to get used to being apart of the mortal realm again, and she’d have been lying if she said that she still didn’t have her own issues. She was just better at hiding them, compared to him.

“There there, no need to have an existential crisis. Believe it or not, I do understand. My family wasn’t perfect, and I can’t say I’ve let my own anger about failing my goal go, but...”

He hadn’t even heard her walk towards him, and flinched when he felt arms wrapping around his waist and her head press against his back, now he just felt awkward. Elena gave a soft laugh, enjoying the closeness.

“I like to think I’ve learned how to live with it. You can too. I’m not saying you have to love Dagda, but try to get to know them. Be better than what came before, better than I.”

He felt the woman unwrap her arms from around his waist and heard her return to the bed.

“Never heard ya be so...vulnerable before. S’kinda nice t’know tha’ heart of yers isn’t as icy as ya like t’pretend it is.”

He let a small smile come to his face as he heard a soft laugh come from Elena’s lips.

“What can I say, I just happen to have a soft spot for stray puppies~”